Category Archives: SSA

Musings on……Every Day


Every Day

Everyday I struggle with my faith, my God and my son [not with my son, but about him being gay] .
Every day I read about the pros and cons of equal rights, with ‘being born this way’ or ‘it’s a sin’.
Every day I see people fighting each other to get them to agree with their side.
Every day I see I’m not allowed to feel, think or talk about my ‘issues’ because someone will get offended.
Every day, I’m not allowed to affirm my son for who he is [my son, my love, child of God] and still think homosexuality is a sin.
Every day I struggle to learn more about God, about rights, about LGBT people.
Every day I want to just walk in love and righteousness.
Every day I want to cry angry tears over my confusion and distress/unrest.
Every day I pray God gives me the insight on what to do, what to think, how to feel, how to love.
Every day I fail to love others how I should love others.
Everyday’s a new day.

The One Perfect Beautiful Pure Unconditional Love I Wanted…


I would assume every new mother feels this way. [Look at my title]

We want a beautiful baby that we created to be perfect, healthy, to love us and adore us, to fill the hole in our hearts where love hasn’t flown yet.

We imagine all the ways our baby will different from the rest, the color of his eyes, the job he will get, the wife he will marry, the sports he will play, the talents he will definitely have [because he was born of our womb, of course]

He will be brilliant, cure cancer, go on mission trips, make lots of money,  give us tons of equally beautiful and talented grand-kids who will adore us and who we will get to spoil endlessly.

We may have screwed up our lives thus far and want this tiny little human to be the one good and wise and perfect thing we have created.

Well, hate to slam you back to reality but since my good friend Kay [not her real name] did it to me, I am going to pass on the favor.

Starts out by a having a lovely conversation about how I feel guilty over ‘contributing’ to my sons particular sins.

Kay says ‘did God open your womb knowing you are a sinner?’


Kay: ‘does God know you and your baby daddy are sinners?’

me: yes

Kay: ‘are all humans born sinners?’

me: yes

Do you see where she going?

Kay: ‘do you think his particular sins are because of your sins?’

me: yes

Kay: ‘If he didn’t have this particular sin and had other sins, would it be your fault?’

me: .yes … I think, because sins have a way of being the same generation after generation, it can be the way they cope with stuff…

Kay: ‘two sinners have a sinner. easy as that. How could you not think he would be a sinner when everyone is born a sinner and everyone sins?’

me: ……………..

Damn it. She is so right. All my lovely sugary sweet thoughts shot all to hell.

1 sinner + 1 sinner = baby sinner.

How could I have thought any different?


Some links to this subject

Desiring God website:  here and here

Knowing Jesus




What Caused My Child to be LGBTQ?


What Caused My Child to be LGBTQ?.

The following post is by Jason Bilbrey, our Director of Pastoral Care here at The Marin Foundation. You can read more from Jason at his blog,
“I’m not sure what made our son [or daughter] gay.”
That’s a phrase I hear a lot in my conversations with parents. I’ve written about the grief process that parent’s often go through in the wake of a child coming out, with feelings of loss, denial and anger. Sometimes parents have a flood of questions: “Who else knows?” “Is he being safe?” “Is she being bullied?” And sometimes parents have a flood of emotions: Shock. Sadness. Relief. Compassion. Anger. Depression. Denial.
And still other times, a parent’s sentiments can boil down to just one, nagging question: what went wrong? I’ve read many long, self-recriminating emails devoted to exploring this question.
Did she grow up in a healthy, structured home?
Did we surround him with a loving, Christian community?
Was he involved in gender-appropriate activities?
Did we model correct gender roles?
Was his father present and affectionate?
Did her mother maintain appropriate relational boundaries?
It’s a checklist, amalgamated from outdated psychological theories and a thousand sermons. Occasionally it surfaces some feelings of parental failure. But more often than not, it serves to exonerate parents. “We always had such a good relationship with our daughter,” they might say. Or, “How could we have made our youngest son gay when all his brothers turned out straight?” It might be easy to blame it all on the home environment when it’s another family’s gay child. But not one’s own.
“So if we aren’t at fault, who is?”
Just because a father and mother can eliminate themselves as suspects doesn’t mean they are willing to rethink whether their child’s homosexuality is indeed a crime. (This is probably as good a place as any to say that these questions and the language I am using throughout this post are not meant to be a statement of my own beliefs. I’m here to chanel and address the concerns I hear from many conservative parents–though certainly not all.)
So who or what is to blame? That’s the line of questioning that casts a suspicious eye on something else: adolescent sexual experiences, particularly same-sex encounters. It’s really tempting to create a narrative based on a few incidents. “There was that time she found some pornography.” “There was that time his older cousin touched him inappropriately.” “There was that time at the sleepover….” Unexpected sexual encounters can be distressing at any age, but especially during adolescence, when a child is just beginning to formulate a sense of identity and sexuality. So it seems to make sense that such an experience would leave an individual feeling…confused.
The problem with attributing homosexuality to adolescent same-sex encounters is that there are too many exceptions to that rule. Not all LGBTQ individuals had such an experience. And not every adolescent who does have a same-sex encounter grows up to be LGBTQ.
Case in point: me. I belong to this latter group. I was 12-years-old, sleeping over at a friends house, when he and I engaged in some heavy sexual exploration under the pretense of that eternal mainstay of adolescence: Truth or Dare? I had no idea what I was doing, but for years this was my deepest, darkest secret. When I finally told a close group of male friends in college about my experience, I was surprised to hear a handful of them say, “Yeah, me too.”
What I’ve learned in years since is that adolescent same-sex experiences are fairly commonplace. One 2008 study found that 14% of men reported to have had “voluntary, same-gender sexual contact between the ages of 12 to 27” (Bagley & Tremblay, 1998, Journal of Homosexuality, 36(2), pp. 1-18). This does not account for those who were unwilling to disclose, or whose sexual contact was involuntary. Of that 14%, only half self-identified as homosexually-oriented. So what I’ve learned, both in my anecdotal experience as well as in my research is that there are many straight men, like me, who have had gay experiences at a formative age. Yet we’re not gay. (I haven’t studied adolescent same-sex encounters by straight women, but I suspect the same is true for them).
Likewise, I know many, many LGBTQ individuals who never had any childhood sexual contact whatsoever, let alone same-sex encounters. They weren’t prompted to identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer based on any particular experience, other than their attractions and sense of identity.
Why is all of this important? Well, it’s pervasive. I hear parents working through this diagnosis process all the time. And I find myself regularly responding to debunk the myths that spurn these questions. No, it’s not your fault. No, it’s not your daughter’s fault. No, it’s not your son’s friend’s fault. That guilt can wreak havoc on a family. It can make you feel so alone. It can be relationally devastating.
And it can be very distracting. The goal is to reach a place of peace and acceptance (again, not necessarily the same as affirmation). If we keep to the analogy of feeling a son or daughter coming out is like a death in the family, then the question of what went wrong is perhaps akin to replaying the moments leading up to a person’s death and wondering what you could have done to save them. It’s natural to be plagued by that question. It’s also very self-defeating.
So much of what we do when we grieve is to look back. Somehow figuring out the past will ensure that we find peace and resolution in the future. That’s not always the case. Not when the past becomes an escape from the present. And that’s what your LGBTQ child often needs the most: your presence. Your attention to them now. Your fondness for them now. There are many parents who will tell you, as they have told me, the present is a wonderful place to be.
Much Love.

I often feel it’s my fault

But God is bigger



5 Stages of Grief for Parents of LGBT Kids~Blog post


So, I read this blog post and commented on it, the comment is below.

I never in a million years would have thought I would be going through a grieving process over this, but as soon as it hit, I knew what it was. Knew the pain my brain and my heart would go thru.

Its crazy, because the kid think its focused on him, but it’s not. Its our hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, feeling of what WE want or have for our child that is the focus.

When a parents focus is dysfunctional then it gets weird. Or shall I say priorities get messed up.

We worry about safety [we can thank the news for that] we worry about health [AIDS, HIV, STD]

and their future happiness [because certainly they can not be happy being like that! ] [sarcasm]

Our first thought is never “What is my child going through?” But soon our thoughts do come around to that and the heartfelt conversations begin.

It’s a long long heart-wrenching experience to finally talk to your child about what he went/is going through when he realizes he/she isn’t ‘normal’.

To know all the things you don’t ever want your child to go through, they have already, either by bullies, the church, their own brain. It’s agonizing.

Most parents probably don’t get to that stage. Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but I’ve read and heard the stories of shitty parents not getting past their own dysfunction to take care of their hurting kids.

Long story short. I read it, I commented on it, I live it.

Jason, this is a great article and like you said, its not a ‘one size fits all’ but it’s very good. I did a lot of my grieving with/focused at God, the bargaining, the acceptance. In my anger I never blamed my son or God, mostly myself.

 I have probably read every single book/blog/article, christian and not, about SSA. It’s been exhausting. But I love my son and I love my God and those need to be reconciled in my mind and heart. 

My child, as probably most, really just want their parents to be at the acceptance stage as soon as they tell them. They don’t understand the parents must go through the same process as they have throughout their lifetime. 

My advice to a child getting ready to tell their parents: be patient and be prepared to walk through the grieving process with your parents. 

As a parent first I want my child to be saved, then I want the child to be safe, to be happy and thrive, and I want him in my life. 

All these things get put in the forefront of a parent’s mind when their child comes out to them. 

I’m kind of rambling, but hopefully you get what I am saying. thanks. Kristina

The Idol Behind the Desire


As i was reading this post, this:

Contrary to heterosexual desires (a desire for what we are not, and cannot become), same-sex desires are cravings for what we want to see in ourselves, but lack. Often a powerful emotional over-dependency, and a profound need to be around someone to gain their approval and affirmation, arise in the heart as a result.

jumped out at me.


I was having a conversation with my son about his same age, same sex cousin. He doesn’t like him, doesn’t like his bravado and maleness. I told my son to be nice to him, that he was just angry because he, my son, wanted to be like him but never was. [paraphrased]

My son surprised me with his answer. No, he said, he wanted to be like his new boyfriend, meaning smart, funny, good singer, great acting abilities, great home life, played a bit of sports and a bit naive/sheltered.

{Which is exactly how he grew up/was when he was younger}

This is in general, mind you, but we pick our significant other for the traits we don’t have or the traits we love about them or whathaveyou.

SSA , in general, especially men, pick others for what they want to be, mostly because they struggled with their own identity. The reasoning behind the struggles are immense and I won’t go into them because we could argue about it all week, but it’s there.

or this, a child grows up without a male sense of himself, for whatever reason, then when puberty hits the idol of his heart,the person he wants to be like, becomes his love interest.

It kinda all came together in my mind of what might be playing out in his head.

He wants to be ‘this type of person’ so he seeks to love this kind of person, yet in the end will resent this person for the qualities he so much seeks in himself that he will/might never attain.

He really has all the great qualities this other has, but somehow, somewhere there got messed up in his head and he doesn’t -can’t feel it about himself.

This might not make sense to you but … It’s been on my mind.

The guy who wrote this is here:

Parenting…. What They Don’t Tell You


Terrible two’s, pre-teen angst, hormones, potty training… nothing, and I mean !NOTHING!  prepares a parent for when their child starts dating.

My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.


The one thing a mom  is not supposed to screw up….