Category Archives: Son’s Stuff

Musings on……Every Day

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Every Day

Everyday I struggle with my faith, my God and my son [not with my son, but about him being gay] .
Every day I read about the pros and cons of equal rights, with ‘being born this way’ or ‘it’s a sin’.
Every day I see people fighting each other to get them to agree with their side.
Every day I see I’m not allowed to feel, think or talk about my ‘issues’ because someone will get offended.
Every day, I’m not allowed to affirm my son for who he is [my son, my love, child of God] and still think homosexuality is a sin.
Every day I struggle to learn more about God, about rights, about LGBT people.
Every day I want to just walk in love and righteousness.
Every day I want to cry angry tears over my confusion and distress/unrest.
Every day I pray God gives me the insight on what to do, what to think, how to feel, how to love.
Every day I fail to love others how I should love others.
Everyday’s a new day.

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Parenting…. What They Don’t Tell You

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Terrible two’s, pre-teen angst, hormones, potty training… nothing, and I mean !NOTHING!  prepares a parent for when their child starts dating.

My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.

 

The one thing a mom  is not supposed to screw up….

 

Days Come and Days Go…. Try to Smile!

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While I do not agree with every thing printed in this article, these paragraphs stood out to me:

When my son’s problems fully came to light I finally began to learn a hard doctrine. It was this. I had to give up any hope that my son would recover from homosexuality. I had to work on myself, my own spiritual growth. I had to start over from the beginning, praying about how much Heavenly Father and Jesus loved me. I had to quit asking Heavenly Father for things to be all right, and instead ask that I be given the strength and understanding to do His will and in so doing perhaps help my son. My hope shifted from earthly circumstances to eternal goals, and my life has never been the same.

and

Don’t be manipulated, says Lively. “The PFLAG strategy is to use emotional blackmail and coercion to transform every parent of a self-identified ‘gay’ into a spokesperson for the ‘gay’ cause. The message given is that if you really loved your child, you would accept his or her lifestyle (not just accept him or her as a person). Typically, a parent is accused of being ignorant and ‘homophobic’ if he or she does not embrace the child’s homosexual choice.”

from here

Most days I’m ok. Some days I’m crushed and bruised. A few days I’m distraught and weepy. Not that you asked, but I feel the need to tell you. Some days will be going along just fine and this ad for THIS pops up on my RSS feed.

The whole idea that this even needs to be in existence depresses me.

  • “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33
  • God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7

 

Musings on … O Where is my Boy Tonight? by Robert Lowry

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Where is my wandering boy tonight—
The boy of my tenderest care,
The boy that was once my joy and light,
The child of my love and prayer?

Refrain

O where is my boy tonight?
O where is my boy tonight?
My heart o’erflows, for I love him, he knows;
O where is my boy tonight?

Once he was pure as morning dew,
As he knelt at his mother’s knee;
No face was as bright, no heart more true,
And none was so sweet as he.

Refrain

O could I see you now, my boy,
As fair as in olden time,
When prattle and smile made home a joy,
And life was a merry chime!

Refrain

Go for my wandering boy tonight;
Go search for him where you will;
But bring him to me with all his blight,
And tell him I love him still.

Refrain


music HERE

Gotta love this song… or hate it. I can just imagine hearing it being sung in church. Oh, my tears would flow.

When one has a prodigal….. one never knows what will make them cry…. I guess I can ask for prayer for my prodigal. Will you pray that he comes home?

The Home Engineer

The Home Engineer…..

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       Teacher

    cHauffeur

      Encourager

 

    t Herapist

     cOok

      Mom

   clEaner

 

    pErsonal shopper

 lauNdry mat

     Gardener

     Interior designer

     Nurse

     Electrician

     Eleven times great than dad

     Roadside assistant

 

~~

I think this is too hard to read, but my boy did it for me. He loves his summer college class and loves being out of the ‘homeschool’ house.

He is looking forward to fall quarter where he gets to DRIVE to school!!! ARGH!!!!

Chloe VS Anna ~ A Short Story by the boy….

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It was just like any other Saturday in the state of Washington, cold and wet. I awoke to our dog, Anna, whining the same whine every morning. Her whining meant only one thing. She wanted a walk. She sat in the hallway between the bedrooms. I knew, as well as she did, that my parents would yell for me to get up and take her for a walk. As soon as the thought began, I heard my mom command,

“Jesse! Get up and walk the dog around the block…and make sure you use her princess collar!”

I could have sworn I saw Anna give me a smug smile before she trotted down the hallway to the front door. I got up, put some sweats on, and found Anna’s pink, crystal studded collar. Once I got it on her, I started to walk into the kitchen to make some toast but Anna screeched a high shrill. I stood there aghast as I heard my mom complain,

“Jesse! Stop hurting her and take her for a walk.”

Anna sat in the living room, 20 feet away from me with the same smug smile. What was she trying to do to me!?

While the ‘princess’ and I were walking, I saw a man walking his Boston Terrier. Normally I would of thought it was a sissy dog, but I wasn’t looking to tough walking my fluffy, cockapoo in a pink, princess collar, either.

Then we saw an older lady walking with her big, chocolate lab. The dog seemed friendly but inside my emotions flared and my memories soared through time. They took me back to my 14th birthday party. There I was, going down the left side of the lake house when a brown lab growled from behind me. I didn’t run. I didn’t even move. I was simply petrified with fear. Then dog the lashed out at my leg and ripped…

“Jesse!” my mom yelled, “Get inside, dear, it’s pouring!” My memories had also left me daydreaming in the front lawn.

I walked inside, shaking off the water and the residing fear. “What are we doing this o’ so lovely Saturday, mom?”

“Nothing, what do you want to do?” I stared at Anna long and hard.

“You know I don’t like dogs so much right, mom?” She shook her head; I continued and stated, “Well, I want a cat.”

She seemed supportive even though I knew she wasn’t the biggest feline fan; but we both knew that it was dad that was going to be the tough one to convince.

When I asked my dad if it was okay for me to adopt a cat, he seemed a little shocked. He must have thought I like Anna or something. With a few helpful nudges from my mom, he soon agreed to take me to the Humane Society that very day. I ran down the stairs and opened the car doors for my parents. They, slowly and steadily, headed for the car. Once in the car I closed the door and heard a whimper. I turned and saw Anna sitting on the floor by the door. “Not this time, Princess”

Walking into the Humane Society was so much cooler knowing I got to choose what animal we left with. I was drawn to the cats, not even caring that my parents headed straight for the dogs. At first I felt kind of silly being that I’m sixteen and staring at the kittens along with five other girls, but I got over it.

The kittens were cool, but too hyper. I got to the older cats and passed only one empty cage. All the cats seemed really good, but none of them felt like ‘the one’. I felt very disappointed walking back down the cat hall. Then my eyes glanced at that one empty cage. They were just putting a black cat in there as I was walking by. She was Beautiful. As soon as I looked at her she freaked out. Then she sniffed the air, glared at me, and started hissing. I backed away while she settled down. “Yup…she is the one,” I thought to myself. When she finally settled down, she sniffed the air again and it looked like something clicked in her mind. She then proceeded to rub up against the cage and purr at me. I was so happy to think that she picked me. There was a volunteer walking down the hallway. She noticed the cat and I getting along, so she sot the adoption papers.

I gathered all my courage, ran through the dog area, and grabbed my parents. The three of us filled out the paperwork and she was finally mine.

As we walked to the door my mom asked me what I was going to name her. I hadn’t thought about it but as soon as I did I tripped and my face landed on one of those benefactor name bricks on the floor. “Chloe Wilkins” was the name written on the brick. I got up and made sure no one saw me fall before announcing her name was Chloe.

The ride home felt so long. Mom wouldn’t let me open the box at the risk of getting cat hair everywhere. I personally thought it would look great mixed with all the dog hair.

We finally pulled into the driveway. I got out of the car and stepped inside the house. Anna was sitting in the same exact spot as when we left. She spotted the box with Chloe in it and started barking. Dad rushed in and petted her until she calmed down. I took that time to run upstairs and go into my room. With the doors closed behind me, I opened the box. It was empty. I thought I’d lost my mind. I checked to make sure the door was shut and turned around to see Chloe lying on my bed. Ok… So she had gotten out of the box before I opened it…makes sense…kind of… I started to set up the litter box the humane society gave us when I heard some scratching on the door. I opened the door to find Anna wanting to be let in. I tried to close the door so Chloe could get situated, but Anna pushed through with unbelievable strength. Chloe didn’t hiss, and Anna didn’t bark. They just sat there, staring at each other.

“Jess, come here,” called my mom. I ran down stairs without losing my balance. “Do you want to go to Fred Meyers with us?” she asked.

“No thanks, I’ll stay home with the animals,” the excuse rolled of my tongue.

“Okay, but don’t mess up the house,” she ordered before she left.

I came back upstairs and headed into my room. My door was shut, and I didn’t close it before I went down stairs… I opened my door hesitantly hoping for the best. It was the worst…the very worst. Pillows shredded, blankets torn, garbage can on fire, and dents in the floor, walls, and ceiling. I was bewildered at the damage. I quickly threw the bowl of water I had set out for Chloe on the burning garbage can. How could two animals do all of this? I turned to the opposite side of my room only to see Chloe standing on the wall with lasers coming out of her eyes, and Anna on the my bed with fiery red claws. Anna looked at me then back at the cat. She then lunged for my neck. The only thing I can describe as the sound that came next is two boulders crashing along the hillside. I caught a glimpse of Chloe head butting Anna in the side before she could get to me. Anna was flung against the other wall.

“We will finish this later, Stray,” Anna said, as she turned and closed the door with her tail. Had my ears or eyes deceived me? Anna just talked. Turning around to inspect the damage, I saw Chloe on the bed cleaning her paw like nothing happened.

“What am I going to do?” I said, looking around my room.

Unexpectedly, Chloe answered, “We must neutralize the dog,”

“What…Wha…Wh…Why?” I stammered in response.

“K9PX213 has a defective brain chip. I must remove it. She thinks she has become the enemy instead of the hero.” my CAT said.

“KX31…who what now?” I struggled to say

“K9PX213, Anna, is part of the government’s experiment to track down wanted criminals. Her brain chip, which keeps her brain focused, has defected. She thinks that she is the criminal instead of the animal to capture the criminal. She has become the enemy. This is all I can tell you. Do you understand?”

“Uhhh…yeah, I think. So are you a…government…thing?”

“Yes,” she answered, “I have been equipped with super speed, laser eyes, a diamond bone structure, and the skills of twenty one different martial art forms.”

“Oh……So what do we do about Anna?’ I asked trying to understand that I adopted a ninja cat.

“We must find a way to distract her, if even for a few seconds. Do you know anything that might do the trick?”

“Ummmm…. She’ll stop at anything to get a treat. We keep the treats in that cabinet in the living room.” I said. I had gotten Anna a treat plenty of times before.

“That sounds like it just might work. I can her distract while you get the treat. Make sure you grab the biggest one you can find.

* * *

I was really nervous, thinking that this whacked out plan wouldn’t work. I hid in the closet like Chloe had instructed. Chloe then went to the door and started taunted Anna. Anna whirled down the hallway and burst into my room, that was my cue to run out into the hallway and shut the door behind me. I made it out of that room so fast I almost tripped running to the cabinet. I grabbed a bone and sprinted back to my room. I opened the door, called Anna’s name loudly, and showed her the treat.

“HA! If you think that I’m going to fall for that trick you have another thing coming.” She snickered. Then faster than you could think she did a spin and kicked Chloe hard with her hind legs. Chloe went flying up against the wall. Then Anna started to came after me.

“Jesse, buy me some time!” Chloe yelled over the pain.

I ran back down the hallway and slammed the hallway way closet door in Anna’s face. It only bought me a few more seconds but that was all I needed. Once I got into the kitchen, I flung open the cupboard and unscrewed the can of peanut butter. I dunked the bone in it and threw it on the floor in front of Anna. Her inner dog overpowered her defective chip, and she began to devour the bone. As soon as she was distracted, Chloe jumped on her back, reached into her ear, and removed a tiny computer chip. Anna only flinched and then continued to eat her bone.

“So, what is going to happen to Anna now?” I asked through my heavy inhales for breath.

“She will be a normal dog now. She won’t remember anything. She might even be dumber than the average dog” she said jokingly.

I laughed.

“Did you just understand cat humor?’ Chloe looked puzzled.

“Oh…umm… Yeah, I think I did.” If I believed all this happened then I surely can understand cat jokes.

“I think I might like it here.” She said with a smile.

“You’re staying?!” I yelled excitedly. I don’t know why, it’s not like I know a government cat’s schedule.

“Yes, I can do my shift at night when you sleep.”

We walked down the hallway and into my room. It was even worse than before. I sat on my bed, not surprised when I heard the frame snap. “So, what do you think about…”

“AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

I was nearly deafened by my mom’s scream.

“WE LEAVE FOR ONE HOUR AND YOU DESTROY THE HOUSE!!! CLEAN!! NOW!!!”

She walked down the hall confused by why and how I could of done this. As she neared the end of the hall, Anna walked out from the kitchen.

“At least my princess doesn’t ever make messes like this!” she said.