Category Archives: parenting

Every Day, Every Day, I Write the Book

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well, God wrote the book, every day I live it out.

at the house I’m dog sitting at, I see all these books and things  and wonder what she  is looking for, is she looking for the answer to life?

Trying  to find happyness, I guess. book on divination, the video Happy, mans eternal quest, the yoga of lies, etc.

But then I look at my pile of books and see the same thing… books on homosexuality, sexual sin, ‘when I relax, I feel guilty’ book, resisting gossip and finding contentment books.

Are we really that different? Nope.

I’m trying to find my contentment, to come to a place of ‘acceptance’ of my lot in life, to find the joy that comes from focusing on something greater than me; than my circumstances.

the one thing I SHOULD not do is start the day with Facebook. i’m on a page of christian mothers of gay kids and its so depressing. Reading articles, seeing everyone fight over rights, sin, etc. blah, blah, blah.

I used to talk to God all the time, all thru the day, just blabbing on and on. now I hardly pray. This is what I just said to a friend of mine..

 

Your secret is safe with me and my sad little prayer life will include XXXXX.

I have all but given up talking with God.

I kinda feel like He is just gonna do what whatever the hell He wants… I’m like the little fish in the big pond swimming against the tide.

So just my random thoughts today. Blessings. the Home engineer

 

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Musings on……Every Day

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Every Day

Everyday I struggle with my faith, my God and my son [not with my son, but about him being gay] .
Every day I read about the pros and cons of equal rights, with ‘being born this way’ or ‘it’s a sin’.
Every day I see people fighting each other to get them to agree with their side.
Every day I see I’m not allowed to feel, think or talk about my ‘issues’ because someone will get offended.
Every day, I’m not allowed to affirm my son for who he is [my son, my love, child of God] and still think homosexuality is a sin.
Every day I struggle to learn more about God, about rights, about LGBT people.
Every day I want to just walk in love and righteousness.
Every day I want to cry angry tears over my confusion and distress/unrest.
Every day I pray God gives me the insight on what to do, what to think, how to feel, how to love.
Every day I fail to love others how I should love others.
Everyday’s a new day.

The Best Way to Spell Love…….

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from here:

Knowing this, I suggest that when you wake up every morning, you kneel by your bed, or sit
on the edge of it, and pray this: “God, whether I get anything else done today, I want to make sure
that I spend time loving you and loving other people-because that’s what life is all about. I don’t
want to waste this day.” Why should God give you another day if you’re going to waste it?
The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them.
The more time you give to something, the more you reveal its importance and value to you. If you
want to know a person’s priorities, just look at how they use their time.
Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more
money, but you can’t make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a
portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift
you can give someone is your time.
It is not enough just to say relationships are important; we must prove it by investing time in
them. Words alone are worthless. “My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it
must be true love, which shows itself in action.”i2
Relationships take time and effort, and the best
way to spell love is “T-I-M-E.”
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of
ourselves. Men, in particular, often don’t understand this. Many have said to me, “I don’t
understand my wife and kids. I provide everything they need. What more could they want?” They
want you! Your eyes, your ears, your time, your attention, your presence, your focus-your time.
Nothing can take the place of that.
The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention.
Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says,
“I value you enough to give you my most precious asset-my time.” Whenever you give your time,
you are making a sacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love. Jesus modeled this: `Be full of love for others, following the example of Christ who loved you and gave Himself to God as a sacrifice
to take away your sins.”

Relationships are what
life is all about.
The greatest gift you can give
someone is your time.

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. “God so loved the world that
he gave….”
Love means giving up-yielding my preferences, comfort, goals, security, money,
energy, or time for the benefit of someone else.
THE BEST TIME TO LOVE IS NOW

What Caused My Child to be LGBTQ?

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What Caused My Child to be LGBTQ?.

The following post is by Jason Bilbrey, our Director of Pastoral Care here at The Marin Foundation. You can read more from Jason at his blog, http://www.jasonbilbrey.com.
“I’m not sure what made our son [or daughter] gay.”
That’s a phrase I hear a lot in my conversations with parents. I’ve written about the grief process that parent’s often go through in the wake of a child coming out, with feelings of loss, denial and anger. Sometimes parents have a flood of questions: “Who else knows?” “Is he being safe?” “Is she being bullied?” And sometimes parents have a flood of emotions: Shock. Sadness. Relief. Compassion. Anger. Depression. Denial.
And still other times, a parent’s sentiments can boil down to just one, nagging question: what went wrong? I’ve read many long, self-recriminating emails devoted to exploring this question.
Did she grow up in a healthy, structured home?
Did we surround him with a loving, Christian community?
Was he involved in gender-appropriate activities?
Did we model correct gender roles?
Was his father present and affectionate?
Did her mother maintain appropriate relational boundaries?
It’s a checklist, amalgamated from outdated psychological theories and a thousand sermons. Occasionally it surfaces some feelings of parental failure. But more often than not, it serves to exonerate parents. “We always had such a good relationship with our daughter,” they might say. Or, “How could we have made our youngest son gay when all his brothers turned out straight?” It might be easy to blame it all on the home environment when it’s another family’s gay child. But not one’s own.
“So if we aren’t at fault, who is?”
Just because a father and mother can eliminate themselves as suspects doesn’t mean they are willing to rethink whether their child’s homosexuality is indeed a crime. (This is probably as good a place as any to say that these questions and the language I am using throughout this post are not meant to be a statement of my own beliefs. I’m here to chanel and address the concerns I hear from many conservative parents–though certainly not all.)
So who or what is to blame? That’s the line of questioning that casts a suspicious eye on something else: adolescent sexual experiences, particularly same-sex encounters. It’s really tempting to create a narrative based on a few incidents. “There was that time she found some pornography.” “There was that time his older cousin touched him inappropriately.” “There was that time at the sleepover….” Unexpected sexual encounters can be distressing at any age, but especially during adolescence, when a child is just beginning to formulate a sense of identity and sexuality. So it seems to make sense that such an experience would leave an individual feeling…confused.
The problem with attributing homosexuality to adolescent same-sex encounters is that there are too many exceptions to that rule. Not all LGBTQ individuals had such an experience. And not every adolescent who does have a same-sex encounter grows up to be LGBTQ.
Case in point: me. I belong to this latter group. I was 12-years-old, sleeping over at a friends house, when he and I engaged in some heavy sexual exploration under the pretense of that eternal mainstay of adolescence: Truth or Dare? I had no idea what I was doing, but for years this was my deepest, darkest secret. When I finally told a close group of male friends in college about my experience, I was surprised to hear a handful of them say, “Yeah, me too.”
What I’ve learned in years since is that adolescent same-sex experiences are fairly commonplace. One 2008 study found that 14% of men reported to have had “voluntary, same-gender sexual contact between the ages of 12 to 27” (Bagley & Tremblay, 1998, Journal of Homosexuality, 36(2), pp. 1-18). This does not account for those who were unwilling to disclose, or whose sexual contact was involuntary. Of that 14%, only half self-identified as homosexually-oriented. So what I’ve learned, both in my anecdotal experience as well as in my research is that there are many straight men, like me, who have had gay experiences at a formative age. Yet we’re not gay. (I haven’t studied adolescent same-sex encounters by straight women, but I suspect the same is true for them).
Likewise, I know many, many LGBTQ individuals who never had any childhood sexual contact whatsoever, let alone same-sex encounters. They weren’t prompted to identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer based on any particular experience, other than their attractions and sense of identity.
Why is all of this important? Well, it’s pervasive. I hear parents working through this diagnosis process all the time. And I find myself regularly responding to debunk the myths that spurn these questions. No, it’s not your fault. No, it’s not your daughter’s fault. No, it’s not your son’s friend’s fault. That guilt can wreak havoc on a family. It can make you feel so alone. It can be relationally devastating.
And it can be very distracting. The goal is to reach a place of peace and acceptance (again, not necessarily the same as affirmation). If we keep to the analogy of feeling a son or daughter coming out is like a death in the family, then the question of what went wrong is perhaps akin to replaying the moments leading up to a person’s death and wondering what you could have done to save them. It’s natural to be plagued by that question. It’s also very self-defeating.
So much of what we do when we grieve is to look back. Somehow figuring out the past will ensure that we find peace and resolution in the future. That’s not always the case. Not when the past becomes an escape from the present. And that’s what your LGBTQ child often needs the most: your presence. Your attention to them now. Your fondness for them now. There are many parents who will tell you, as they have told me, the present is a wonderful place to be.
Much Love.

I often feel it’s my fault

But God is bigger

 

 

5 Stages of Grief for Parents of LGBT Kids~Blog post

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So, I read this blog post and commented on it, the comment is below.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/loveisanorientation/2014/01/the-five-stages-of-grief-for-parents-of-lgbt-children/

I never in a million years would have thought I would be going through a grieving process over this, but as soon as it hit, I knew what it was. Knew the pain my brain and my heart would go thru.

Its crazy, because the kid think its focused on him, but it’s not. Its our hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, feeling of what WE want or have for our child that is the focus.

When a parents focus is dysfunctional then it gets weird. Or shall I say priorities get messed up.

We worry about safety [we can thank the news for that] we worry about health [AIDS, HIV, STD]

and their future happiness [because certainly they can not be happy being like that! ] [sarcasm]

Our first thought is never “What is my child going through?” But soon our thoughts do come around to that and the heartfelt conversations begin.

It’s a long long heart-wrenching experience to finally talk to your child about what he went/is going through when he realizes he/she isn’t ‘normal’.

To know all the things you don’t ever want your child to go through, they have already, either by bullies, the church, their own brain. It’s agonizing.

Most parents probably don’t get to that stage. Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but I’ve read and heard the stories of shitty parents not getting past their own dysfunction to take care of their hurting kids.

Long story short. I read it, I commented on it, I live it.

Jason, this is a great article and like you said, its not a ‘one size fits all’ but it’s very good. I did a lot of my grieving with/focused at God, the bargaining, the acceptance. In my anger I never blamed my son or God, mostly myself.

 I have probably read every single book/blog/article, christian and not, about SSA. It’s been exhausting. But I love my son and I love my God and those need to be reconciled in my mind and heart. 

My child, as probably most, really just want their parents to be at the acceptance stage as soon as they tell them. They don’t understand the parents must go through the same process as they have throughout their lifetime. 

My advice to a child getting ready to tell their parents: be patient and be prepared to walk through the grieving process with your parents. 

As a parent first I want my child to be saved, then I want the child to be safe, to be happy and thrive, and I want him in my life. 

All these things get put in the forefront of a parent’s mind when their child comes out to them. 

I’m kind of rambling, but hopefully you get what I am saying. thanks. Kristina

Parenting…. What They Don’t Tell You

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Terrible two’s, pre-teen angst, hormones, potty training… nothing, and I mean !NOTHING!  prepares a parent for when their child starts dating.

My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.

 

The one thing a mom  is not supposed to screw up….