Category Archives: Musings

This Cannot Be


Ya know how your life is blessed and you pretty much have everything you could want,

but you still wake up sad every morning?

Ya know how you think things, places, people will make your life better,

but in your heart you know they won’t?

Ya know how you feel miserable in a given situation,

but the only thing that will change it is you?

Ya know how you want to run away,

but know that if you do, it will still be the same, because you are the same?

Ya know how you eat right, exercise and sleep ok,

but you’re tired… All. the. damn. time?

This can not be what life is like. It just can’t be.



There Once Was a Girl……


There once was a girl who grew up normal. Public school, no abuse, no poverty. Small town middle class. She grew up in an era of changing times. Born in the 60’s, young in the 70’s, a teen in the 80’s. She never had religion and listened to what everyone else did about culture and how-to live life.

She ran off to Alaska as soon as she could. Same old story, small town girl running away from the life she knew, thinking the world was a much better and brighter place than at home. She thought, as all young people do, she had her life together, she had big plans and nothing will stop her.

She had a miscarriage in ’84. Didn’t think about it much. Having too much fun. She misses home, moved back in 87. Finds out she is pregnant by a married man in AK. Seeks help. She visits a christian ‘Care Net’ type place. She refuses the help, she already knows what she needs to do. This thing will not the stop the trajectory her life is headed. Her next stop, Planned Parenthood.

She works, she dates, she doesn’t think about her actions or her consequences. She meets and dates a guy who is abusive, but for some godforsaken reason she stays with him. For too long. She also kills 2 of his babies. She had her reasons. She wasn’t going to be ‘attached’ to him by any means and her life just didn’t have room for kids.

She had now officially graduated to using abortion as birth control.

In ’92 she meets a man, a man who she could see a future with. A good and kind man. She gets pregnant 3 months into the relationship. For some reason, she sees a future with a kid. With his kid. What made her change her mind about this one?

The pregnancy time was wrought with difficulties, lots of stress and being pregnant was not ideal for her. But she had the love and support of her family and man. Did she think of her other children? Did she wonder what life would be like if she had kept them?

Out came a healthy beautiful baby boy who quickly became the love of her life. And as parents know, she wondered what was that other life she had before him. She struggled with post partum depression and dabbled with alcohol abuse, she decided to ‘go it alone’. Her son was 4, it was ’97. She left the man for a time and sowed some wild oats. She got pregnant. By a man she had no intention of being with. She had no one to help. She asked her baby daddy to take her to the clinic. He did. He drove her there with her little son in the back. He picked her back up and took her to her apartment.

Heaven only knows what this man was thinking, but he loved her, so he helped her.

How could this woman, who had experienced a child moving in her womb, loved a child so much, how could she so callously kill another baby!

But she did. And she did with no less qualms than before. A few months later she gets back together with her man and they get married. The cutest little 5-year-old was the ring bearer.

God finds them. They find religion. They join a church. She learns of Jesus dying on the cross for all her sins. ALL her sins. She learns of forgiveness and lovingkindness. She dreams of one day seeing her children in heaven, standing there waiting for her, hugging her and telling her they love her.

She struggles with forgiving herself. She finally sees the gravity of things she has done. She is surrounded by christian women who have also done the same thing. She bonds with them. She does bible studies, post abortion healing studies, you name it, she studied it.  Has she ever forgiven herself? How can she claim to be a christian when she has done horrible things? She sits in silent shame every Sanctity of Life Sunday at church. She hears the pastor condemning remarks about people like her who kill. She feels like a monster.

She slowly does forgive herself, but the pain never goes away. She knows she took life. Precious life.

She learns more about her faith. Her church is of the reformed faith. They believe in, among other things, election. In simple terms it means God has foreordained every single human being to be ‘elect’, or God’s chosen, before they were formed in their mother’s womb. So, no matter what a person does, he or she is either God’s or not. Not based on anything they do or will do in life. So, to flesh that out, even babies, whether aborted or dying in infancy are either headed to heaven or hell. Based solely on Gods discretion.

She had a bit of a meltdown. She had always assumed she would get to see her children in heaven, to apologize, to hold them, to even worship the Lord together. Now she must deal with the knowledge she may never see them.

Fast forward to 2005. Her teenage son comes out as gay. She sees no grandchildren in her future. Her life is upended once again. She has gone through many crisis of faith in the past 13 years. She doesn’t understand how to reconcile much of what she has been taught about the Lord in regards to her real life situations. She struggles to make sense of it all. Life still moves forward.


How do you feel about this girl? Is she a monster? Do you think you could love her now, knowing what she has done and how she struggles with her faith?

Do you think if she just had more faith she would be fine? Do you, as a mere human, forgive her, her trespasses?

Will you come to her in love, if she confesses to you, she doesn’t know if she believes in God anymore? At least not the God of Calvin and Sproul?

Will you still be her friend if she lets you in on her secrets? Would you embrace her with all her scars?




Musings on….. Ageism


Q: What is ageism?
Ageism is the stereotyping and discrimination against individuals or groups on the basis of their age; ageism can take many forms, including prejudicial attitudes, discriminatory practices, or institutional policies and practices that perpetuate stereotypical beliefs.


I watched the Kominsky Method on Netflix and without giving too much away, it is about 2 male friends learning to deal with old age and all the crap that comes with it.

One of the lead characters in put into different situations and the audience is shown how people react to the ‘old man’.

It is sad and funny and really hit home.

52 years old and starting to see that in my own life. Right after watching that show, I was in the grocery store and a young woman and I were coming out of an end aisle at the same time, the man who almost ran into us, looked only at her and apologized.

Mind you, I have never thought if myself as a looker, never tried to be a looker, I dress modestly, wear no make-up, the days of dressing to impress died in the 90’s. My tats seem to be the most oogled thing about me. hahahha

I would rather surround my self with a gaggle of silver-haired ladies than a bunch of young uns any day. The wisdom and self-awareness and kindness is intoxicating.

I volunteered at a warehouse this past week and was amazed by all the older people there. Working hard, standing on concrete for long hours, smiling, eager to do whatever is asked of them. Many coming for multiple years to serve.

I sometimes bemoan that my life is almost over, that all my good years are behind me, but seeing these older folks gives me hope. Regardless of how people ‘see’ me, I want to live a voracious servants life of love.

Give me examples of ageism, have you experienced it?

Musings on… My Value


the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
“your support is of great value”
synonyms: worth, usefulness, advantage, benefit, gain, profit, good, help, merit, helpfulness, avail;
a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.
“they internalize their parents’ rules and values”
synonyms: principles, ethics, moral code, morals, standards, code of behavior
“society’s values are passed on to us as children”
estimate the monetary worth of (something).
“his estate was valued at $45,000”
synonyms: evaluate, assess, estimate, appraise, price, put/set a price on
“his estate was valued at $345,000”
consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.
“she had come to value her privacy and independence”
synonyms: think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, rate highly, esteem, set (great) store by, put stock in, appreciate, respect;


Yesterday a bunch of older men and my hubby were talking about life insurance and he mentioned that I was upset that I don’t have any life insurance. They all, in unison, said and snickered, ‘what does she need life insurance for?’

[Patriarchy at its finest] *sarcasm font

Lately I have been thinking about my value, more, I have been feeling defeated because I don’t think I HAVE any value.

But how do I even define value? An insurance policy? A pat on the back from my family? God’s approval?

And do people who have servants hearts all feel this way?

by nature a servant is ‘below’ the people they are serving. I’m not against that. I love helping people. I’m at my best when I do that. If I am not serving, I’m not living. Not being able to say no…that is another story for another time.

by nature a servant thinks of others needs. Most of the time before their own. Servants have empathy. Why do servants do what they do?

According to the definitions above

Do they want to feel worth or usefulness

Are they abiding by rules, moral codes

Do they, or can they, put a price on their servant hood [life]

Do they want others to view them with esteem, importance, respect?


In my case
growing up my parents weren’t the best at affection and encouraging words. my father wasn’t present in our sports, concerts, school life. He worked. Hard. He kept food in the house he maintained. His job was done, apparently. I think my dad attended one thing, my graduation.

My mother likes to blame my dad for talking down to us, in reality [or my reality] she was the one who called us stupid and any dreams and ideas were stupid.

In essence, if my dreams are stupid, the dreams are a part of me, so I’m stupid. This also would follow the same lines…[If being gay is wrong/sinful and I am gay, then I am sinful and wrong.] *sorry, rabbit trail

Fast forward to marriage, birth of son [in the interim years, I never kept a boyfriend long, never was going to let anyone hurt me, another story for another time]

Shitty start to a relationship..and after son was born, MAJOR depression. Mix in some alcoholism and poof…. feelings of inadequacy and not being able to work, and ending up in a week-long hospital stay… ugh. hate just thinking about it.

Played stay-at-home mom with relish. As I remember hubby and I agreed to it. made better sense. Too much work always stressed me. We didn’t have a financial burden to worry about. Since we are dealing with value and this pertains to it, and even tho hubby hates it. Hubby deems money highly. He has made a good life for all his family and has worked hard to be a good provider.

Its more about things that he thinks and then proceed out of his mouth.

I’ll try not to get into too many details, but over the years, its obvious that I am not of the same ‘value’ because I don’t make money in this household.

I think it is worse in the christian culture. the bible is wrought with women being less-than and groups that hold to literal interpretations of the bible are super guilty of this.

Maybe I feel hurt because it’s the people who I think should value me the most, don’t. I know that most people just value me for what I do for them and I can handle that. They aren’t in my life all the time.

Never when I feel hurt by being under valued, do I want to stop being a servant.

What about legacy? Does that have to do with value? Will I live on in, well, I know I will only live on in people’s minds as long as they live.

Sidenote, the movie Coco stuck me hard, at first I thought it silly, but its true, only if the loved ones still remember you, you live on. hmmm.

Legacy…. I want to pass on more than just yarn to my son. Does an insurance help that? Would he value me more if he knew he was in cash money when I die? Does it really matter?

Does any of this really matter? and how do I stop these feelings? I know, I know, christian readers, my worth should in Christ. I shouldn’t care how I am treated because Christ loves me and values me.

I should look toward Him for my worth. My value.

but as we say, we are fallen sinful creatures and living the everyday life wears ya down. Christ isn’t sitting in my living room with pom poms cheering me on everyday.

How do you think about value?

No Bake Chocolaty Goodness ~ Vegan


I think I have hit the jackpot!
I like no-bake cookies but I wanted something vegan and the vegan butters when heated just put me off.
This is my recipe for vegan No-Bake Cookies that are the BOMB~!
1 cup peanut butter [I like crunchy and you’re wrong if you eat creamy]
1/2 cup chocolate chips [vegan ones are usually semi sweet or dark, I use Simple Truth Semi-sweet from Fred Meyer]
Toss in bowl and nuke on low heat for increments of 20 seconds.
stir until desired mixture. Some might like a marbled taste.
Pour in 1/2 cup maple syrup
2 cups quick oats.
Stir together, scoop or hand roll into rounds and refrigerate.
*Warning, peanut butter is high in fat, but also high in protein and deliciousness.
Use for an afternoon pick-me-up or sweet tooth craving before bed. You’ll thank me later

My Blog is my Medical History Report & Scam Update


I had a visit to a foot doctor yesterday, apparently I was born deformed with too-short calf muscles and bowed back knees which cause my feet to turn inward and walk funny.

But I was trying to remember when my son broke my foot and the only place I could find a date was here. Sept 2007.

He gave me cortisone shots in both feet and it hurt so bad, i thought I was going to pass out.

They talked of calf lengthening surgery, but NOPE. They better just be able to find an insert that fits.


UPDATE on the scam… Son didn’t get any of money back from the bank because, on the phone to a bank rep, he told them he was the one physically withdrawing the money from his account.

Needless to say my hubby, the skinflint, was pissed. He talked to bank people on the phone, sent emails to all the higher-ups he could get email addresses for and all of them said they would investigate but all came to the conclusion that while they were super duper sorry, they weren’t legally obligated to protect the money [it was sons bank credit card].

Well, hubby did what he thought was right and yanked all his money from the bank. The bank he had been with for over 30 years.

funny thing, soon after the moneys transfer, son gets an email telling him how sorry the bank was for what happened to him and altho they can’t reimburse all the money, here is a token of our gratitude for banking us. $1000!

They gave him 1/4 of the moneys toward his CC. WOW!

Hubby also gave son some moneys to cover the loss.


Now son has finished his move to Cali and my mothers heart is cracked a bit. I’m sad to see him go but happy he is growing and learning and thriving. There was time in our lives, I didn’t think that would be the case. Resiliency is a good trait.


I’m back to knitting and crafting, will try to remember to share some pictures on here. Happy Weekend!