Category Archives: marriage

Musings on… My Value

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val·ue
/ˈvalyo͞o/
noun
1.
the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
“your support is of great value”
synonyms: worth, usefulness, advantage, benefit, gain, profit, good, help, merit, helpfulness, avail;
2.
a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.
“they internalize their parents’ rules and values”
synonyms: principles, ethics, moral code, morals, standards, code of behavior
“society’s values are passed on to us as children”
verb
1.
estimate the monetary worth of (something).
“his estate was valued at $45,000”
synonyms: evaluate, assess, estimate, appraise, price, put/set a price on
“his estate was valued at $345,000”
2.
consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.
“she had come to value her privacy and independence”
synonyms: think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, rate highly, esteem, set (great) store by, put stock in, appreciate, respect;

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Yesterday a bunch of older men and my hubby were talking about life insurance and he mentioned that I was upset that I don’t have any life insurance. They all, in unison, said and snickered, ‘what does she need life insurance for?’

[Patriarchy at its finest] *sarcasm font

Lately I have been thinking about my value, more, I have been feeling defeated because I don’t think I HAVE any value.

But how do I even define value? An insurance policy? A pat on the back from my family? God’s approval?

And do people who have servants hearts all feel this way?

by nature a servant is ‘below’ the people they are serving. I’m not against that. I love helping people. I’m at my best when I do that. If I am not serving, I’m not living. Not being able to say no…that is another story for another time.

by nature a servant thinks of others needs. Most of the time before their own. Servants have empathy. Why do servants do what they do?

According to the definitions above

Do they want to feel worth or usefulness

Are they abiding by rules, moral codes

Do they, or can they, put a price on their servant hood [life]

Do they want others to view them with esteem, importance, respect?

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In my case
growing up my parents weren’t the best at affection and encouraging words. my father wasn’t present in our sports, concerts, school life. He worked. Hard. He kept food in the house he maintained. His job was done, apparently. I think my dad attended one thing, my graduation.

My mother likes to blame my dad for talking down to us, in reality [or my reality] she was the one who called us stupid and any dreams and ideas were stupid.

In essence, if my dreams are stupid, the dreams are a part of me, so I’m stupid. This also would follow the same lines…[If being gay is wrong/sinful and I am gay, then I am sinful and wrong.] *sorry, rabbit trail

Fast forward to marriage, birth of son [in the interim years, I never kept a boyfriend long, never was going to let anyone hurt me, another story for another time]

Shitty start to a relationship..and after son was born, MAJOR depression. Mix in some alcoholism and poof…. feelings of inadequacy and not being able to work, and ending up in a week-long hospital stay… ugh. hate just thinking about it.

Played stay-at-home mom with relish. As I remember hubby and I agreed to it. made better sense. Too much work always stressed me. We didn’t have a financial burden to worry about. Since we are dealing with value and this pertains to it, and even tho hubby hates it. Hubby deems money highly. He has made a good life for all his family and has worked hard to be a good provider.

Its more about things that he thinks and then proceed out of his mouth.

I’ll try not to get into too many details, but over the years, its obvious that I am not of the same ‘value’ because I don’t make money in this household.

I think it is worse in the christian culture. the bible is wrought with women being less-than and groups that hold to literal interpretations of the bible are super guilty of this.

Maybe I feel hurt because it’s the people who I think should value me the most, don’t. I know that most people just value me for what I do for them and I can handle that. They aren’t in my life all the time.

Never when I feel hurt by being under valued, do I want to stop being a servant.

What about legacy? Does that have to do with value? Will I live on in, well, I know I will only live on in people’s minds as long as they live.

Sidenote, the movie Coco stuck me hard, at first I thought it silly, but its true, only if the loved ones still remember you, you live on. hmmm.

Legacy…. I want to pass on more than just yarn to my son. Does an insurance help that? Would he value me more if he knew he was in cash money when I die? Does it really matter?

Does any of this really matter? and how do I stop these feelings? I know, I know, christian readers, my worth should in Christ. I shouldn’t care how I am treated because Christ loves me and values me.

I should look toward Him for my worth. My value.

but as we say, we are fallen sinful creatures and living the everyday life wears ya down. Christ isn’t sitting in my living room with pom poms cheering me on everyday.

How do you think about value?

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How to Fiercely Love and Protect Someone in Difficult Times

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Remember you cannot control anyone else. Just YOURself.

1. Cry with them

2. Laugh with them

3. Listen to them

4. Keep your mouth shut.

a. Seriously. Unless they specifically ask for opinion, advice, help. Keep it zipped.

b. Be prepared to have kind, good and sane advice for them.

5. Follow this easy guide…

1 Corinthians 13  (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

6. Keep in touch. Send a note, a card, encourage. Keep doing it. Especially with a death, people forget that the survivor still lives and has to go on. Fiercely loving them means being in it for the long haul.

7. Empathy: : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this.

8. Take into consideration [empathy] what they are going through. Emotions run high and they are scared, sad, mad, depressed, sometimes in a chokingly exhausting way.

9. Offer to help [and only help them in #5 ways] Bring a meal, babysit, run errands, go to mtgs with them, sit in mourning with them, forgive the people they forgive, love the people they choose to love.

10. Keep your mouth shut. Keep your hands and feet close. Delete all distractions from your life that interfere with fiercely loving your friend/family member.

11. You can only control YOURself.

12. Last but never ever least. Pray. If you are not a praying person. Do whatever, meditate, light candles, etc. Just do it.

Please feel free to comment below if you have any other advice for fiercely loving others in difficult times.

*Dedicated to those who have suffered loss. I love you.

My Arch Nemesis ~ Myself

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I think. Alot. Too much. I also can talk a lot. I need to talk, its my way of processing things, I guess.

I feel better when I have someone to talk to. I also have abused that right/privilege on occasion.

I used to talk to my son. About things that I probably shouldn’t have. Adult things, my things, problems, wishes, positive and negative.

I try to talk to my husband. He doesn’t listen very well. It makes me feel like I am not important to him. I get frustrated, disappointed and mad with him.

I have/had a few friends I could confide in but managed to make a mess out of that.

I started seeing a counselor. again. I have to pay to get to talk to someone. But I am trying to talk myself out of going to her. I wanted someone to just tell the things that were bothering me and have them tell me whether I was right or wrong. I pretty much know if I am in the wrong, I need to change. How to change… not so much.

Figuring out why I am like I am… not too hard.

Lots of family issues.

I try to talk to my mom. She does all the talking. Not a word gets in that doesn’t come from her mouth. Of course when I do get to talk, I get those words used against me. I was always talked down to, told I was stupid, not affirmed. My family is very negative. I inherited that. I hate that about myself.

I can almost self-counsel myself.

Example: why do I get mad at my hubby when he ignores me? How do I handle it? How can I get him to realize its important to me? If he just never gets it, how do I deal with it?

Its one thing to lay all your hope, joy and satisfaction in Christ. But quite another to walk it out in everyday life.

Why do I not like physical displays of affections? Why am I so negative? Why do harp/bitch/nag? Why do I get all angsty over certain stuff? Why do I let others get ‘under my skin’?

I have tried all the suggestions counselors have given me before. but they don’t seem to work. Why does my circumstances or other people affect my attitude so much?

How do i fix it?

 

 

 

Musings on…. Life in my 40’s

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People say their 20’s was a life changing experiences, but this momma will have to say that my 40’s have been the craziest and life changing…to say the least.

I was into all kinds of debauchery in my 20’s. psst…everyone does it, sowing the wild oats, drinking, drugging, partying… blah,blah, blah. But my 40’s….man….crazy.

As I head into my 50’s decade, I’m gonna try to look back on this past decade and see what the hell I have done. I wish I had a big calendar that I wrote all the stuff I did so I could look back.

But maybe its good there isn’t any paper trail. turned 40 in 2004.

Joined Facebook in 2008. Started blog in 2007. Became a vegetarian/vegan in 2008. Lost 30 lbs doing body for Life in 2007. Weight has yo-yo’ed ever since.

Only had 2 tattoos, now I have upwards of 15 which includes a half-sleeve.

We only had one dog and 3 cats, now we have 3 dogs and a pig. gone through lots of animals, lost my heart to each and every one of them. I had two things I wanted to accomplish before I died. Knitting and ride a motorcycle. Did both in my 40’s. Own a pretty little Rebel right now and more yarn than I know what to do with.

Had a son late in life, at 28. Got married late in life, 32. Son has gone thru so much and so have we. My 40’s have been full of heartache for/with this kid.

I homeschooled my child for a year. Never EVER thought I could do it, but do it we did.

At 44 I was left to become something other than a stay-at-home mom. So I started a critter care business. kristinascrittercare.com It’s been amazing to say the least. So many wonderful animals and human clients.

Haha, never been high in my life, so i thought i would try that. It’s legal where I live. I hate to smoke and never have, so i ate it. Trippy. different from drinking, but the same. Just want my thoughts to stop and relax, altho the pot does let me relax, my brain still goes and I have the weirdest dreams.

Started this blog in my 40’s. It’s been one, if not the best way to do therapy.

Put my big girl panties on and went to IOWA to meet strangers, all by myself, in my 40’s. Best thing I ever did. I love Doug and Micaela so much.

Went on my first mission trip in my 40’s. To the Yakama Indian Reservation. Made many new friends that I will treasure forever. Had many craft fails, I get a little OCD and try many different crafts, much to the chagrin of my hubbys pocketbook.

Did a trial test thingy for the drug Abilify for about a year. It was pretty interesting and I still don’t know if I was taking the Abilify or a placebo.

I had dreads for about 3 years, off and on, always got to a point where I couldn’t wash them every day and they wouldn’t dry fast enough. I also got my first case of lice!!

Had nose surgery this past year. It was the most horrifying thing to not be able to breathe for two weeks. I have had all my woman parts yanked out and a ruptured disc fixed.

Thinking of going to school for vet tech, so I can transition into a desk job someday when I am unable to walk. lol.

 

And many many other things I cannot recall right now.

Hopefully my 50’s will be a bit more mellow and I can rest in the Lord more and more, knowing He holds my life in His hands.

The Best Way to Spell Love…….

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from here:

Knowing this, I suggest that when you wake up every morning, you kneel by your bed, or sit
on the edge of it, and pray this: “God, whether I get anything else done today, I want to make sure
that I spend time loving you and loving other people-because that’s what life is all about. I don’t
want to waste this day.” Why should God give you another day if you’re going to waste it?
The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them.
The more time you give to something, the more you reveal its importance and value to you. If you
want to know a person’s priorities, just look at how they use their time.
Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more
money, but you can’t make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a
portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift
you can give someone is your time.
It is not enough just to say relationships are important; we must prove it by investing time in
them. Words alone are worthless. “My children, our love should not be just words and talk; it
must be true love, which shows itself in action.”i2
Relationships take time and effort, and the best
way to spell love is “T-I-M-E.”
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of
ourselves. Men, in particular, often don’t understand this. Many have said to me, “I don’t
understand my wife and kids. I provide everything they need. What more could they want?” They
want you! Your eyes, your ears, your time, your attention, your presence, your focus-your time.
Nothing can take the place of that.
The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention.
Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says,
“I value you enough to give you my most precious asset-my time.” Whenever you give your time,
you are making a sacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love. Jesus modeled this: `Be full of love for others, following the example of Christ who loved you and gave Himself to God as a sacrifice
to take away your sins.”

Relationships are what
life is all about.
The greatest gift you can give
someone is your time.

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. “God so loved the world that
he gave….”
Love means giving up-yielding my preferences, comfort, goals, security, money,
energy, or time for the benefit of someone else.
THE BEST TIME TO LOVE IS NOW

Parenting…. What They Don’t Tell You

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Terrible two’s, pre-teen angst, hormones, potty training… nothing, and I mean !NOTHING!  prepares a parent for when their child starts dating.

My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.

 

The one thing a mom  is not supposed to screw up….