Category Archives: homosexuality

Parenting…. What They Don’t Tell You

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Terrible two’s, pre-teen angst, hormones, potty training… nothing, and I mean !NOTHING!  prepares a parent for when their child starts dating.

My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.

 

The one thing a mom  is not supposed to screw up….

 

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Interview, Survey, Blog Post and Feelings

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It occurred to me at twenty-one, at the bottom of my sadness, in this soul-screaming state, that I had nothing left to lose. So I went home. I crawled into bed with my mom. Cried for several minutes. And then, bitterly slow, I said it- out loud. For the first time. I am gay.

Releasing those words into the air set us off on a journey. One that led us into shadowed settings. Turned us against each another. tied us tighter than we’ve ever been before. And, in the end, led us forward, into the brilliant light of that life-saving thing called grace.

From this blog 

 

My husband and i did a survey and interview for the Marin Foundation based on us being christian parents of a LBGT child.

It was interesting, hard and hopefully will help the next parent that needs resources to help them through a very tough time, just as the child is having a tough time, when they come out.

During the interview I had stated that the left coast was very very sparse in support group for this little niche of people and was offered two emails of women who have a support group in a nearby city.  In the beginning I prayed for and couldn’t find such a group, but now, I’m being hesitant to email them, don’t know why.

This is all I got today. Thanks for listening

From: A Straight Guy on Coming Out [Blog Post]

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From this blog: 

 

Here are some DOs and DON’Ts I’ve learned through my own experiences and in conversations with others, for you to better honor your relationship to LGBT friends and loved ones when someone comes out to you.

Dos

• Recognize this as a sacred moment – thank them for their trust and courage, and realize your reaction will likely stick with them in this vulnerable space you’ve been invited into (though your long-term engagement is more important than your short-term response). Cherish the intimacy and honesty they’ve extended.

• Take time to listen.

• Take language cues from them, not the other way around (e.g., don’t say ‘gay’ if they say ‘same-sex attraction’, and vice-versa)

• Realize that in many cases, this is not an invitation to a hours long discussion on human sexuality. It’s okay to ask questions, but try to let the other person set the tone – they may not want to process or reflect with you.

 

• Validate their experience as legitimate to them, regardless of whether you understand or believe the same things. It’s ok to just say, ‘Thank you for trusting me with this. I really value your friendship, and I don’t want treat you any differently.’ Then, of course – DON’T treat them differently!

DON’Ts

• Don’t assume to know how they feel or what they believe

• Don’t turn the conversation into a theological discussion, unless they initiate that conversation. This isn’t about what you believe – it’s about sharing your life and relationship. If they want to know your beliefs, they’ll ask.

• When you’re unclear about something, simply say :: ‘Tell me more.’ Don’t take a challenging or antagonistic tone just because your experiences reflect different conclusions than their own.

• Many well-intentioned heterosexual folks see gay people as textbooks on homosexuality and gay culture – but it’s not their job to teach you. They may indeed be willing to walk with you and inform you – especially if it’s a close friend – but you shouldn’t enter the relationship with that expectation.

 

 

A Sampling of Books I have Read about Homosexuality

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I was asked to list resources I thought were good for christian parents of LGBT kids. Here is a sampling.

Hopefully they are link to Amazon. If you have any questions about any of the books, please ask me.

Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community by Andrew Marin and Brian McLaren

A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality by Joseph Nicolosi 

Shame and Attachment Loss: The Practical Work of Reparative Therapy by Joseph Nicolosi

Healing Homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Therapy by Joseph Nicolosi

Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic by Elizabeth R. Moberly

Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality by Wesley Hill and Kathryn Greene-McCreight

Growth into Manhood: Resuming the Journey by Alan Medinger

The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self-)Therapy for Homosexuality by Gerard J. M. Van Den Aardweg

In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction by Fred Matis, Marilyn Matis and Ty Mansfield

Crisis in Masculinity by Leanne Payne

Healing Homosexuality by Leanne Payne

After the Ball: How America Will Conquer Its Fear and Hatred of Gays in the 90’s by Marshall Kirk and Hunter Madsen

Coming Out of Homosexuality: New Freedom for Men and Women by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel

You Don’t Have to Be Gay: Hope and Freedom for Males Struggling With Homosexuality or for Those Who Know of Someone… by Jeff Konrad

Someone’s Son: A Mother’s Fight for Her Gay, Drug Addicted Son by Brenda Rhodes


Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences
 by Carolyn W. Griffin and Marian J. Wirth

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in my library but not read yet, I still recommend based on authors.

Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son’s Journey to God. A Broken Mother’s Search for Hope. by Christopher YuanAngela Yuan and Kay Warre

Broken Image, The: Restoring Personal Wholeness through Healing Prayer by Leanne Payne

The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Texts and Hermeneutics by Robert A Gagnon and Robert A. J. Gagnon

Loving a Prodigal: A Survival Guide for Parents of Rebellious Children by H. Norman Wright and Norm Wright

What’s A Parent To Do? by C. S. Lovett (1971)

 

Family Therapies: A Comprehensive Christian Appraisal by Mark A. Yarhouse and James N. Sells

Eros Defiled: the Christian & Sexual Sin by John White

Surviving Sexual Brokenness: What Grace Can Do by Thom Hunter

The Complete Christian Guide to Understanding Homosexuality: A Biblical and Compassionate Response to Same-Sex… by Joe Dallas and Nancy Heche

The Homosexual Agenda: Exposing the Principal Threat to Religious Freedom Today by Alan Sears and Craig Osten

Homosexuality and the Christian: A Guide for Parents, Pastors, and Friends by Mark A Yarhouse

Anything by Leslie Vernick

Quotables from Love is an Orientation

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We are not called to posit theories that support our assumptions.

We are not called to speculate about genetics or developmental experiences ro spiritual oppression in faceless groups of other people.

We are called to build bridges informed by the Scriptures and empowered by the Spirit.

We are called to let a just God be the judge of His creation.

We are called to let the Holy Spirit whisper truth into each person’s heart.

And we are called to show love unconditionally, tangibly, measurable.

a quote from Andrew Marin’s book Love is an Orientation

http://www.themarinfoundation.org/