Category Archives: homosexuality

How Many Times Can One Mother’s Heart Break?

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The answer is: many and often.

 

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/freedhearts/2015/05/25/i-am-the-mother-of-a-gay-son-and-ive-taken-enough-from-you-good-people/?fbclid=IwAR1AA8iK3Nl_0aqQ3z4DK6Ev8HgOrdjlCRQdQv4fZDApoD-BOIK5kEuiYqA

A website, a letter to a newspaper. Heart broken.

excerpt:

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I’ve taken enough from you good people.

I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called “fag” incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.
You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won’t get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don’t know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you’d best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I’m puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that’s not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I’ll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for “true Vermonters.”

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn’t give their lives so that the “homosexual agenda” could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn’t the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about “those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing” asks: “What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?”

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?

 

No one can know the extent of my boys bullying when he was younger. Not even his mother.

My son didn’t have mean bone in his body growing up. He was kind to everyone. He went to a christian school. He never acknowledged he was gay. But he knew gay was bad. And I’m sure when he realized that he was gay, he also knew he was bad.

This breaks my heart.

The bullies….were girls…they were bad, unremorseful and relentless. The school would do nothing. We took him out of one school into another christian school in 5th grade, only for it to get worse.

This broke my heart.

Our church took away all my sons ‘privileges’ when they found out about his struggle. And it was a struggle at the time. They took communion away. Piano playing and tried to foolhardly ‘counsel’ him. Counseling consisted of repeat the homosexual verses in the bible and asking son to repent. Over and over.

My heart broke.

I don’t know the depth of his pain as he contemplated suicide, but I do know it was often. And I thank god he never went through with it.

If he had. My life would have been over. Broken.

He has slowly walked away from faith, and quite frankly, I don’t blame him. I struggle with my faith. I struggle with things the god of the bible says about my son. I struggle more with the arrogant ignorant Christians who continue to vilify people not like them. I struggle with the parents who have the audacity to kick their own flesh and blood out after hearing they are gay.

My heart mourns for those children.

~~

Moving forward to today. My son send me a picture of him and his partner at his work, helping do valentine crafts with kids that live in shelters and group homes.

My heart bursts.

My son who works at a non-profit helping disadvantaged kids get a proper education. My son, who had been with his partner for 3 years, they live together. They are raising a cat and a dog together. My son, who has the biggest heart, who had overcome so many challenges, Who has more compassion in his pinky than most christians. Who has cried himself silently to sleep, laying there confused and scared, and his mother not knowing.

My heart breaks.

I struggle how to interpret the bible in this day and age. I struggle whether I should just leave the faith, because I don’t want this faith, this religion, this god, if my son can’t have it. If my son gets treated less-than by these same people I am supposed to call brothers and sisters. If there is a heaven, and my thoughtful, caring, compassionate son doesn’t get admitted because he was gay.

My heart yearns for wholeness.

As the woman who runs that website in the link, I say “I choose my son”.

 

 

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Musings on…. Life in my 40’s

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People say their 20’s was a life changing experiences, but this momma will have to say that my 40’s have been the craziest and life changing…to say the least.

I was into all kinds of debauchery in my 20’s. psst…everyone does it, sowing the wild oats, drinking, drugging, partying… blah,blah, blah. But my 40’s….man….crazy.

As I head into my 50’s decade, I’m gonna try to look back on this past decade and see what the hell I have done. I wish I had a big calendar that I wrote all the stuff I did so I could look back.

But maybe its good there isn’t any paper trail. turned 40 in 2004.

Joined Facebook in 2008. Started blog in 2007. Became a vegetarian/vegan in 2008. Lost 30 lbs doing body for Life in 2007. Weight has yo-yo’ed ever since.

Only had 2 tattoos, now I have upwards of 15 which includes a half-sleeve.

We only had one dog and 3 cats, now we have 3 dogs and a pig. gone through lots of animals, lost my heart to each and every one of them. I had two things I wanted to accomplish before I died. Knitting and ride a motorcycle. Did both in my 40’s. Own a pretty little Rebel right now and more yarn than I know what to do with.

Had a son late in life, at 28. Got married late in life, 32. Son has gone thru so much and so have we. My 40’s have been full of heartache for/with this kid.

I homeschooled my child for a year. Never EVER thought I could do it, but do it we did.

At 44 I was left to become something other than a stay-at-home mom. So I started a critter care business. kristinascrittercare.com It’s been amazing to say the least. So many wonderful animals and human clients.

Haha, never been high in my life, so i thought i would try that. It’s legal where I live. I hate to smoke and never have, so i ate it. Trippy. different from drinking, but the same. Just want my thoughts to stop and relax, altho the pot does let me relax, my brain still goes and I have the weirdest dreams.

Started this blog in my 40’s. It’s been one, if not the best way to do therapy.

Put my big girl panties on and went to IOWA to meet strangers, all by myself, in my 40’s. Best thing I ever did. I love Doug and Micaela so much.

Went on my first mission trip in my 40’s. To the Yakama Indian Reservation. Made many new friends that I will treasure forever. Had many craft fails, I get a little OCD and try many different crafts, much to the chagrin of my hubbys pocketbook.

Did a trial test thingy for the drug Abilify for about a year. It was pretty interesting and I still don’t know if I was taking the Abilify or a placebo.

I had dreads for about 3 years, off and on, always got to a point where I couldn’t wash them every day and they wouldn’t dry fast enough. I also got my first case of lice!!

Had nose surgery this past year. It was the most horrifying thing to not be able to breathe for two weeks. I have had all my woman parts yanked out and a ruptured disc fixed.

Thinking of going to school for vet tech, so I can transition into a desk job someday when I am unable to walk. lol.

 

And many many other things I cannot recall right now.

Hopefully my 50’s will be a bit more mellow and I can rest in the Lord more and more, knowing He holds my life in His hands.

Every Day, Every Day, I Write the Book

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well, God wrote the book, every day I live it out.

at the house I’m dog sitting at, I see all these books and things  and wonder what she  is looking for, is she looking for the answer to life?

Trying  to find happyness, I guess. book on divination, the video Happy, mans eternal quest, the yoga of lies, etc.

But then I look at my pile of books and see the same thing… books on homosexuality, sexual sin, ‘when I relax, I feel guilty’ book, resisting gossip and finding contentment books.

Are we really that different? Nope.

I’m trying to find my contentment, to come to a place of ‘acceptance’ of my lot in life, to find the joy that comes from focusing on something greater than me; than my circumstances.

the one thing I SHOULD not do is start the day with Facebook. i’m on a page of christian mothers of gay kids and its so depressing. Reading articles, seeing everyone fight over rights, sin, etc. blah, blah, blah.

I used to talk to God all the time, all thru the day, just blabbing on and on. now I hardly pray. This is what I just said to a friend of mine..

 

Your secret is safe with me and my sad little prayer life will include XXXXX.

I have all but given up talking with God.

I kinda feel like He is just gonna do what whatever the hell He wants… I’m like the little fish in the big pond swimming against the tide.

So just my random thoughts today. Blessings. the Home engineer

 

Musings on……Every Day

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Every Day

Everyday I struggle with my faith, my God and my son [not with my son, but about him being gay] .
Every day I read about the pros and cons of equal rights, with ‘being born this way’ or ‘it’s a sin’.
Every day I see people fighting each other to get them to agree with their side.
Every day I see I’m not allowed to feel, think or talk about my ‘issues’ because someone will get offended.
Every day, I’m not allowed to affirm my son for who he is [my son, my love, child of God] and still think homosexuality is a sin.
Every day I struggle to learn more about God, about rights, about LGBT people.
Every day I want to just walk in love and righteousness.
Every day I want to cry angry tears over my confusion and distress/unrest.
Every day I pray God gives me the insight on what to do, what to think, how to feel, how to love.
Every day I fail to love others how I should love others.
Everyday’s a new day.

5 Stages of Grief for Parents of LGBT Kids~Blog post

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So, I read this blog post and commented on it, the comment is below.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/loveisanorientation/2014/01/the-five-stages-of-grief-for-parents-of-lgbt-children/

I never in a million years would have thought I would be going through a grieving process over this, but as soon as it hit, I knew what it was. Knew the pain my brain and my heart would go thru.

Its crazy, because the kid think its focused on him, but it’s not. Its our hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, feeling of what WE want or have for our child that is the focus.

When a parents focus is dysfunctional then it gets weird. Or shall I say priorities get messed up.

We worry about safety [we can thank the news for that] we worry about health [AIDS, HIV, STD]

and their future happiness [because certainly they can not be happy being like that! ] [sarcasm]

Our first thought is never “What is my child going through?” But soon our thoughts do come around to that and the heartfelt conversations begin.

It’s a long long heart-wrenching experience to finally talk to your child about what he went/is going through when he realizes he/she isn’t ‘normal’.

To know all the things you don’t ever want your child to go through, they have already, either by bullies, the church, their own brain. It’s agonizing.

Most parents probably don’t get to that stage. Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but I’ve read and heard the stories of shitty parents not getting past their own dysfunction to take care of their hurting kids.

Long story short. I read it, I commented on it, I live it.

Jason, this is a great article and like you said, its not a ‘one size fits all’ but it’s very good. I did a lot of my grieving with/focused at God, the bargaining, the acceptance. In my anger I never blamed my son or God, mostly myself.

 I have probably read every single book/blog/article, christian and not, about SSA. It’s been exhausting. But I love my son and I love my God and those need to be reconciled in my mind and heart. 

My child, as probably most, really just want their parents to be at the acceptance stage as soon as they tell them. They don’t understand the parents must go through the same process as they have throughout their lifetime. 

My advice to a child getting ready to tell their parents: be patient and be prepared to walk through the grieving process with your parents. 

As a parent first I want my child to be saved, then I want the child to be safe, to be happy and thrive, and I want him in my life. 

All these things get put in the forefront of a parent’s mind when their child comes out to them. 

I’m kind of rambling, but hopefully you get what I am saying. thanks. Kristina

The Idol Behind the Desire

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http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-idol-behind-same-sex-desires

As i was reading this post, this:

Contrary to heterosexual desires (a desire for what we are not, and cannot become), same-sex desires are cravings for what we want to see in ourselves, but lack. Often a powerful emotional over-dependency, and a profound need to be around someone to gain their approval and affirmation, arise in the heart as a result.

jumped out at me.

~~

I was having a conversation with my son about his same age, same sex cousin. He doesn’t like him, doesn’t like his bravado and maleness. I told my son to be nice to him, that he was just angry because he, my son, wanted to be like him but never was. [paraphrased]

My son surprised me with his answer. No, he said, he wanted to be like his new boyfriend, meaning smart, funny, good singer, great acting abilities, great home life, played a bit of sports and a bit naive/sheltered.

{Which is exactly how he grew up/was when he was younger}

This is in general, mind you, but we pick our significant other for the traits we don’t have or the traits we love about them or whathaveyou.

SSA , in general, especially men, pick others for what they want to be, mostly because they struggled with their own identity. The reasoning behind the struggles are immense and I won’t go into them because we could argue about it all week, but it’s there.

or this, a child grows up without a male sense of himself, for whatever reason, then when puberty hits the idol of his heart,the person he wants to be like, becomes his love interest.

It kinda all came together in my mind of what might be playing out in his head.

He wants to be ‘this type of person’ so he seeks to love this kind of person, yet in the end will resent this person for the qualities he so much seeks in himself that he will/might never attain.

He really has all the great qualities this other has, but somehow, somewhere there got messed up in his head and he doesn’t -can’t feel it about himself.

This might not make sense to you but … It’s been on my mind.

The guy who wrote this is here:

http://www.livingout.org/