Category Archives: homosexuality

Musings on…. Life in my 40’s


People say their 20’s was a life changing experiences, but this momma will have to say that my 40’s have been the craziest and life changing…to say the least.

I was into all kinds of debauchery in my 20’s. psst…everyone does it, sowing the wild oats, drinking, drugging, partying… blah,blah, blah. But my 40’s….man….crazy.

As I head into my 50’s decade, I’m gonna try to look back on this past decade and see what the hell I have done. I wish I had a big calendar that I wrote all the stuff I did so I could look back.

But maybe its good there isn’t any paper trail. turned 40 in 2004.

Joined Facebook in 2008. Started blog in 2007. Became a vegetarian/vegan in 2008. Lost 30 lbs doing body for Life in 2007. Weight has yo-yo’ed ever since.

Only had 2 tattoos, now I have upwards of 15 which includes a half-sleeve.

We only had one dog and 3 cats, now we have 3 dogs and a pig. gone through lots of animals, lost my heart to each and every one of them. I had two things I wanted to accomplish before I died. Knitting and ride a motorcycle. Did both in my 40’s. Own a pretty little Rebel right now and more yarn than I know what to do with.

Had a son late in life, at 28. Got married late in life, 32. Son has gone thru so much and so have we. My 40’s have been full of heartache for/with this kid.

I homeschooled my child for a year. Never EVER thought I could do it, but do it we did.

At 44 I was left to become something other than a stay-at-home mom. So I started a critter care business. It’s been amazing to say the least. So many wonderful animals and human clients.

Haha, never been high in my life, so i thought i would try that. It’s legal where I live. I hate to smoke and never have, so i ate it. Trippy. different from drinking, but the same. Just want my thoughts to stop and relax, altho the pot does let me relax, my brain still goes and I have the weirdest dreams.

Started this blog in my 40’s. It’s been one, if not the best way to do therapy.

Put my big girl panties on and went to IOWA to meet strangers, all by myself, in my 40’s. Best thing I ever did. I love Doug and Micaela so much.

Went on my first mission trip in my 40’s. To the Yakama Indian Reservation. Made many new friends that I will treasure forever. Had many craft fails, I get a little OCD and try many different crafts, much to the chagrin of my hubbys pocketbook.

Did a trial test thingy for the drug Abilify for about a year. It was pretty interesting and I still don’t know if I was taking the Abilify or a placebo.

I had dreads for about 3 years, off and on, always got to a point where I couldn’t wash them every day and they wouldn’t dry fast enough. I also got my first case of lice!!

Had nose surgery this past year. It was the most horrifying thing to not be able to breathe for two weeks. I have had all my woman parts yanked out and a ruptured disc fixed.

Thinking of going to school for vet tech, so I can transition into a desk job someday when I am unable to walk. lol.


And many many other things I cannot recall right now.

Hopefully my 50’s will be a bit more mellow and I can rest in the Lord more and more, knowing He holds my life in His hands.


Every Day, Every Day, I Write the Book


well, God wrote the book, every day I live it out.

at the house I’m dog sitting at, I see all these books and things  and wonder what she  is looking for, is she looking for the answer to life?

Trying  to find happyness, I guess. book on divination, the video Happy, mans eternal quest, the yoga of lies, etc.

But then I look at my pile of books and see the same thing… books on homosexuality, sexual sin, ‘when I relax, I feel guilty’ book, resisting gossip and finding contentment books.

Are we really that different? Nope.

I’m trying to find my contentment, to come to a place of ‘acceptance’ of my lot in life, to find the joy that comes from focusing on something greater than me; than my circumstances.

the one thing I SHOULD not do is start the day with Facebook. i’m on a page of christian mothers of gay kids and its so depressing. Reading articles, seeing everyone fight over rights, sin, etc. blah, blah, blah.

I used to talk to God all the time, all thru the day, just blabbing on and on. now I hardly pray. This is what I just said to a friend of mine..


Your secret is safe with me and my sad little prayer life will include XXXXX.

I have all but given up talking with God.

I kinda feel like He is just gonna do what whatever the hell He wants… I’m like the little fish in the big pond swimming against the tide.

So just my random thoughts today. Blessings. the Home engineer


Musings on……Every Day


Every Day

Everyday I struggle with my faith, my God and my son [not with my son, but about him being gay] .
Every day I read about the pros and cons of equal rights, with ‘being born this way’ or ‘it’s a sin’.
Every day I see people fighting each other to get them to agree with their side.
Every day I see I’m not allowed to feel, think or talk about my ‘issues’ because someone will get offended.
Every day, I’m not allowed to affirm my son for who he is [my son, my love, child of God] and still think homosexuality is a sin.
Every day I struggle to learn more about God, about rights, about LGBT people.
Every day I want to just walk in love and righteousness.
Every day I want to cry angry tears over my confusion and distress/unrest.
Every day I pray God gives me the insight on what to do, what to think, how to feel, how to love.
Every day I fail to love others how I should love others.
Everyday’s a new day.

5 Stages of Grief for Parents of LGBT Kids~Blog post


So, I read this blog post and commented on it, the comment is below.

I never in a million years would have thought I would be going through a grieving process over this, but as soon as it hit, I knew what it was. Knew the pain my brain and my heart would go thru.

Its crazy, because the kid think its focused on him, but it’s not. Its our hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, feeling of what WE want or have for our child that is the focus.

When a parents focus is dysfunctional then it gets weird. Or shall I say priorities get messed up.

We worry about safety [we can thank the news for that] we worry about health [AIDS, HIV, STD]

and their future happiness [because certainly they can not be happy being like that! ] [sarcasm]

Our first thought is never “What is my child going through?” But soon our thoughts do come around to that and the heartfelt conversations begin.

It’s a long long heart-wrenching experience to finally talk to your child about what he went/is going through when he realizes he/she isn’t ‘normal’.

To know all the things you don’t ever want your child to go through, they have already, either by bullies, the church, their own brain. It’s agonizing.

Most parents probably don’t get to that stage. Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but I’ve read and heard the stories of shitty parents not getting past their own dysfunction to take care of their hurting kids.

Long story short. I read it, I commented on it, I live it.

Jason, this is a great article and like you said, its not a ‘one size fits all’ but it’s very good. I did a lot of my grieving with/focused at God, the bargaining, the acceptance. In my anger I never blamed my son or God, mostly myself.

 I have probably read every single book/blog/article, christian and not, about SSA. It’s been exhausting. But I love my son and I love my God and those need to be reconciled in my mind and heart. 

My child, as probably most, really just want their parents to be at the acceptance stage as soon as they tell them. They don’t understand the parents must go through the same process as they have throughout their lifetime. 

My advice to a child getting ready to tell their parents: be patient and be prepared to walk through the grieving process with your parents. 

As a parent first I want my child to be saved, then I want the child to be safe, to be happy and thrive, and I want him in my life. 

All these things get put in the forefront of a parent’s mind when their child comes out to them. 

I’m kind of rambling, but hopefully you get what I am saying. thanks. Kristina

The Idol Behind the Desire


As i was reading this post, this:

Contrary to heterosexual desires (a desire for what we are not, and cannot become), same-sex desires are cravings for what we want to see in ourselves, but lack. Often a powerful emotional over-dependency, and a profound need to be around someone to gain their approval and affirmation, arise in the heart as a result.

jumped out at me.


I was having a conversation with my son about his same age, same sex cousin. He doesn’t like him, doesn’t like his bravado and maleness. I told my son to be nice to him, that he was just angry because he, my son, wanted to be like him but never was. [paraphrased]

My son surprised me with his answer. No, he said, he wanted to be like his new boyfriend, meaning smart, funny, good singer, great acting abilities, great home life, played a bit of sports and a bit naive/sheltered.

{Which is exactly how he grew up/was when he was younger}

This is in general, mind you, but we pick our significant other for the traits we don’t have or the traits we love about them or whathaveyou.

SSA , in general, especially men, pick others for what they want to be, mostly because they struggled with their own identity. The reasoning behind the struggles are immense and I won’t go into them because we could argue about it all week, but it’s there.

or this, a child grows up without a male sense of himself, for whatever reason, then when puberty hits the idol of his heart,the person he wants to be like, becomes his love interest.

It kinda all came together in my mind of what might be playing out in his head.

He wants to be ‘this type of person’ so he seeks to love this kind of person, yet in the end will resent this person for the qualities he so much seeks in himself that he will/might never attain.

He really has all the great qualities this other has, but somehow, somewhere there got messed up in his head and he doesn’t -can’t feel it about himself.

This might not make sense to you but … It’s been on my mind.

The guy who wrote this is here:

Parenting…. What They Don’t Tell You


Terrible two’s, pre-teen angst, hormones, potty training… nothing, and I mean !NOTHING!  prepares a parent for when their child starts dating.

My parenting probably wasn’t normal, and by that I mean, my son is gay and didn’t date very much. Oh he tried a little kissing and going out as a group with girls, mostly just to be in the ‘cool crowd’ in school. So no one would find out.

But right around the time we were supposed to be enjoying life and son getting more independent, driving and dating should be happening, we were embroiled in a family drama that caused all our lives to be put on hold for a few years.

In the midst of all this he told us he was gay and at the tail end he started dating this guy.

All of my emotions were all crazy and he brings this boy in and expects us all to act normal. It was tough. I tried to keep a distance because I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact my son was gay, our lives were upside down and I had to be nice to this stranger.

I’m sure other parents find it weird and hard to deal with dating kids. It’s awkward, its gross and if you are anything like me, devastating because I’m not the central focus of my son’s attention anymore.

You all can give me all kinds of hate mail, don’t care, its my take on my life and I’m woman enough to admit these things going through my brain at the time.

So the months go on, my son and [I say my son, because I can not project what my husband is thinking at the time and have been trouble by including him in my blog] the guy move into our old house and start paying rent. More awkward moments, but I start to like the kid. His childhood sucked and part of me felt compassion for him. Part of me wanted to get to know him if he was gonna stay around for a while. Part of me knew he was just a kid, like my son who needed to be loved.

Needless to say, he didn’t stay around. Total opposites they were. Well, by this time, I like this guy and was determined to still be in his life. That has not gone over well and my son has deleted me from all social networks because he can still see his ‘past’ on my sites. Also, he didn’t want me to talk about the guy, and I still did. Bad mom.

Yes, it would have been awkward if my mom kept being friends with my boyfriends and I’m sure all kids and parents feel the same way, but weird as it sounds, God just keeps telling me to stay in his life and just love on him. Which I will do, regardless of how my son feels.

I really don’t know how many times I have to tell myself to let the kid go [my son], he needs to have his own life, to make his own mistakes, to succeed on his own. He is definitely not running his life with me in his mind so I have to do the same.

I have to now live my life for my husband, for God, for me. It’s hard to do and I [stupidly] vowed I would not make the same mistake as my mother in living life through my kid, but I did.

I made the huge mistake of loving my son more than anyone else, making him a substitute husband, friend, confidant and my own little idol. Both of our lives have been impacted so much by my selfish ways. I regret it so much. This was really hard to write and really only skims the surface of my heartache and my total selfishness in raising a child.


The one thing a mom  is not supposed to screw up….