Category Archives: family

Musings on… My Value

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val·ue
/ˈvalyo͞o/
noun
1.
the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
“your support is of great value”
synonyms: worth, usefulness, advantage, benefit, gain, profit, good, help, merit, helpfulness, avail;
2.
a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.
“they internalize their parents’ rules and values”
synonyms: principles, ethics, moral code, morals, standards, code of behavior
“society’s values are passed on to us as children”
verb
1.
estimate the monetary worth of (something).
“his estate was valued at $45,000”
synonyms: evaluate, assess, estimate, appraise, price, put/set a price on
“his estate was valued at $345,000”
2.
consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.
“she had come to value her privacy and independence”
synonyms: think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, rate highly, esteem, set (great) store by, put stock in, appreciate, respect;

~~

Yesterday a bunch of older men and my hubby were talking about life insurance and he mentioned that I was upset that I don’t have any life insurance. They all, in unison, said and snickered, ‘what does she need life insurance for?’

[Patriarchy at its finest] *sarcasm font

Lately I have been thinking about my value, more, I have been feeling defeated because I don’t think I HAVE any value.

But how do I even define value? An insurance policy? A pat on the back from my family? God’s approval?

And do people who have servants hearts all feel this way?

by nature a servant is ‘below’ the people they are serving. I’m not against that. I love helping people. I’m at my best when I do that. If I am not serving, I’m not living. Not being able to say no…that is another story for another time.

by nature a servant thinks of others needs. Most of the time before their own. Servants have empathy. Why do servants do what they do?

According to the definitions above

Do they want to feel worth or usefulness

Are they abiding by rules, moral codes

Do they, or can they, put a price on their servant hood [life]

Do they want others to view them with esteem, importance, respect?

~~

In my case
growing up my parents weren’t the best at affection and encouraging words. my father wasn’t present in our sports, concerts, school life. He worked. Hard. He kept food in the house he maintained. His job was done, apparently. I think my dad attended one thing, my graduation.

My mother likes to blame my dad for talking down to us, in reality [or my reality] she was the one who called us stupid and any dreams and ideas were stupid.

In essence, if my dreams are stupid, the dreams are a part of me, so I’m stupid. This also would follow the same lines…[If being gay is wrong/sinful and I am gay, then I am sinful and wrong.] *sorry, rabbit trail

Fast forward to marriage, birth of son [in the interim years, I never kept a boyfriend long, never was going to let anyone hurt me, another story for another time]

Shitty start to a relationship..and after son was born, MAJOR depression. Mix in some alcoholism and poof…. feelings of inadequacy and not being able to work, and ending up in a week-long hospital stay… ugh. hate just thinking about it.

Played stay-at-home mom with relish. As I remember hubby and I agreed to it. made better sense. Too much work always stressed me. We didn’t have a financial burden to worry about. Since we are dealing with value and this pertains to it, and even tho hubby hates it. Hubby deems money highly. He has made a good life for all his family and has worked hard to be a good provider.

Its more about things that he thinks and then proceed out of his mouth.

I’ll try not to get into too many details, but over the years, its obvious that I am not of the same ‘value’ because I don’t make money in this household.

I think it is worse in the christian culture. the bible is wrought with women being less-than and groups that hold to literal interpretations of the bible are super guilty of this.

Maybe I feel hurt because it’s the people who I think should value me the most, don’t. I know that most people just value me for what I do for them and I can handle that. They aren’t in my life all the time.

Never when I feel hurt by being under valued, do I want to stop being a servant.

What about legacy? Does that have to do with value? Will I live on in, well, I know I will only live on in people’s minds as long as they live.

Sidenote, the movie Coco stuck me hard, at first I thought it silly, but its true, only if the loved ones still remember you, you live on. hmmm.

Legacy…. I want to pass on more than just yarn to my son. Does an insurance help that? Would he value me more if he knew he was in cash money when I die? Does it really matter?

Does any of this really matter? and how do I stop these feelings? I know, I know, christian readers, my worth should in Christ. I shouldn’t care how I am treated because Christ loves me and values me.

I should look toward Him for my worth. My value.

but as we say, we are fallen sinful creatures and living the everyday life wears ya down. Christ isn’t sitting in my living room with pom poms cheering me on everyday.

How do you think about value?

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A Mother’s Worst Nightmare

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Let me preface this post with this comment :

‘Yesterday marked the realization of a mother’s worst nightmare [almost]. Regardless of what people tell you, parents of gay children aren’t mad they are gay, they are worried that they will be bullied, picked on, kidnapped, beaten or killed.’

~

I was driving home from the store early evening and I received a call from my sons’ phone. A couple of [sounded like] black men told me they had my son and wanted money to release him or they would kill him. They told me they met him on a chat line and when they realized he was gay, they kidnapped him, taped his mouth and wanted recompense for the insult on their straight sexuality.

They told me to drive to the nearest store and get some ‘moneypak’ debit cards, $500 on 5 cards to be exact. I told them I wanted to hear my son, they made a big deal of getting the tape off his mouth and I did hear my son say ‘mom, mom, hello, hello?’

They said they were on the north end of town and would release him after I did what they told me to do. I was to go into the store, get the card and read them the numbers off the back.

I need to enforce to you the detail of which these guys went into their story-telling. They were talking to each other about getting my son in the back seat of the car and deciding on the best way to rendezvous with me after I did what I was told. I even heard a high-pitched scream in the background. I was distraught, to say the least. I made it to the store. They would not let me hang up and keep telling me all the ways they would hurt my son if I hung up or tried any funny business.

I wrote a note on a piece of paper and handed to the first person at the customer service desk at a big chain market. MY SON MAY HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED CALL 911, TELL THEM TO SEND A CONCEALED CAR HERE.

The kidnappers made it sound like they would know if the cops came. The phone kept disconnecting and they would call back and yell at me for trying funny business. One of the clerks knew about scams that ask for this certain type of card and wouldn’t let me pay for any of them, one was on the phone to 911, one was talking loud to me, keeping me up to date on why it was taking so long to process. [so the ‘kidnappers’ could hear]. I wrote another note to call my sons work to see if he was there. He was not.

When the police came I was sitting in an eating area and was trying to phone all my sons friends. No one would answer the phone, and the ‘kidnappers’ kept calling, getting angrier with each call. The police officer wouldn’t let me buy cards either. During this time the kidnappers asked me if this made any sense “Please take care of Orange Julius for me”. They said my son said that. I freaked! [that is his cats name, and of course I thought my son was saying that like after he got killed I was to care for his cat!] Then I heard his voice again, but it repeated the same words ‘mom, mom, hello, hi?’

I finally had to stop answering their calls because I was trying to contact my sons’ friends and getting addresses for the police to drive to, to see if son was there. I couldn’t figure out where they were getting their information and didn’t know if they had my sons phone. I was telling the officers that I really didn’t care if it was a scam at this point, they were getting my money, they had too many facts about my son.

When I answered one of their calls, I asked them to ask my son what movie we were going to watch that night and seconds later, after making a great imitation of asking him, they said the right movie!!! FREAKED OUT!

I managed to get a hold of 3 friends. Sent them out in all directions looking for son. Police sent units to his boyfriend’s house, son’s place of work and was going to our home, but I got a friend who lived close by to check the house. No one at any location.

Everyone was texting and calling my son, but he wouldn’t answer. You’ll know why in a minute.

I am shaking as I write this, but I need to get it out of head, onto ‘paper’. UPDATE: 2 days later and I still can’t shake this. I’m paralyzed by the ‘what-ifs’ and how to stop these assphats.

The police were asking me all kinds of questions; does your son do drugs, has he been trouble lately? Where would he go? [he was going to work and his boyfriend’s house, then was to come home]

The boy just graduated college, and since he moved back in a month ago, all he has done is school, work, home. He is as boring as it comes, but then again, mothers don’t always know all of what their kids do. I got a call from a friend saying son left work at 4:30 pm and told a co-worker, “I have jury duty, I need to take care something, I will come back and clean my desk’’. That was last anyone had heard from him.

The last call I picked up from the ‘kidnappers’ they asked if I had the cards and they were going to send me a video. I told them I did not have the cards and they said, “ok then, goodbye”.

After what seemed like eternity, my son calls crying, “I think I did something bad, I think I got stabbed’’ [he didn’t say stabbed, but that’s what I heard] I asked him if he was alone, and he said yes. I told him to go his work and stay there. That I would be there as soon as I could. I told all his friends the same thing, get to the workplace, son is on his way, keep him there, the police and I will be there soon.

So, come to find out my son was being scammed at the same time I was!!!!!

He received a phone call from an unknown number and googled it. It was the county sheriff’s office number. He called them back and was told in a very professional manner he had a warrant out for his arrest since he missed jury duty [son has never had jury duty nor knows what all that entails] and he needed to pay the fine, so he would not get arrested. They kept him on the phone and told him to keep telling them his mileage, they knew when he pulled over, when he got out of the car. He went to 3 different stores and all of them let him get these certain cards to put money on. The ‘sheriff’s office’ even told him to call his bank and tell them it was really him making these withdrawals. Their elaborate story included southern accents, first a man, then transferred to a woman with soothing words but stating if my son hung up or didn’t do as they said, a cop would come immediately and arrest him. They asked for an emergency contact and he gave my name and number. They asked if there was something I would know as a secret security measure and he told them ‘Orange Julius’.

They had him running around for about 3 hours. At one point they had him park in front of the county courthouse to finalize the warrant freeze, but because they told him a police officer would arrest him if he was found, he didn’t go inside.  They were so professional and knew exactly how the law worked in warrants and son didn’t know enough about it to refute them. At one point they asked him if there was another secret security measure they could use for me, asking about something we both know, like a favorite movie. He said Blade Trinity.

THEY WERE ACTUALLY ON THE PHONE WITH US BOTH AND PLAYING US BOTH!

My son said he heard me say, ‘’son, son, where are you, are you ok?’’. Not actaully sure how they made that happen, but it was very convincing.  He was told after he got the cards he was to scratch off the numbers on the back and read them off to them and that would zero out his account with the sheriff dept and drop the charges. After he did that, they hung up.

That is when he called me. We all met at his workplace and hugged and cried and talked to the police. I guess this series of scams comes in a few forms. IRS back taxes, kidnapping and warrants. We got hit with two. They got money from son. None from me, only thanks to the calm, informed people at the grocery store and the police.

It was awful. And terrifying. And very violating.

I’m still contemplating going to the news, I really want people, especially people in retail, to know about these scams and not even carry these types of cards in their stores. The way the cards are set up [not having to be physically present to access money] are the perfect storm for cyber fraud.

Update, we decided we need to get this out so other’s won’t be put in this situation.  Please share this. Please ask your stores to not sell these types of cards. Please inform any retail worker friends you know not to sell anyone these types of cards, especially if they are on the phone.

http://komonews.com/news/consumer/scammers-target-upscale-neighborhoods-posing-as-federal-marshals

 

 

 

 

Love Might Win the Wayward in Your Life [REPOST]

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This hit home for me:

If you are paired with a prodigal, you know pain. Few trials slice as deeply as the spouse who goes rogue, the child who rebels, or the sibling who spins out of control. Rejecting their role and shutting out those that love them, wayward souls thunder with reckless entitlement, myopic selfishness, and chaotic, grief-instigating choices.

It’s a world of indescribable, emotional turmoil. Here’s some reasons why.

You flog yourself with the “why-stick” — why is this happening to them? Why is this happening to us? To me? Why? Whack. Whack. Whack. “Why?” is a cross that lovers of the wayward carry.

Often, they carry an ironic shame, too. With the wayward, a subtle paradox appears: the prodigal acts shamefully and feels justified — you love them sacrificially and feel ashamed. It’s a hellish twist on the idea of justification — their shame imputed to you.

Additionally, prodigals possess a dangerous, life-sucking power. They siphon the fuel out of those who love them in a “weariness-war.” The effects of this power take you beyond mere fatigue to a mind-enfeebling, soul-sapping, confidence-wrecking, depression-inciting, bone-tiring exhaustion.

What the Wayward Want

1. Choices Without Consequences

For someone fleeing from God, freedom is typically the ability to pursue desires without the burden of responsibility for their decision. John, infatuated with another woman, left Sally and their marriage of ten years in pursuit of freedom. When this appeared unstable to a judge, and Sally was awarded custody of the kids, John was outraged. Why?

A prodigal doesn’t typically engage in moral reasoning, so consequences strike them as offensive, unjust, or excessive. They fail to see that true freedom recognizes and honors the God-installed fences that define the borders between good and bad, wisdom and folly, sowing and reaping.

2. Autonomy Without Accountability

Wayward people want autonomy without the rule of love. They want a world where their wants are met without question or accountability. For the prodigal, life is about indulging desire, not accepting responsibility. The results are often disastrous.

Charlene is rarely cooperative, often stoned, and has little tolerance for discussion about how she spends her time or money. Charlene seeks a world where she can freely indulge and never explain. When accountability comes knocking, she withdraws behind an impenetrable emotional wall of unfettered autonomy, away from meddlesome scrutiny.

Few things plant a family in the manure of dysfunction quicker than feeding the delusion that one can live autonomously, yet dependent; unaccountable, yet family-funded.

What the Wayward Need

Ask the average Joe or Jaclyn about “love,” and their answers will skim the shallow pond of sentimental feelings, magnetic attraction, or the thrill of someone who makes them feel alive. Christians reject the merely sentimental and embrace a more robust vision of love. “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us” (1 John 3: 16).

At the eternal core of biblical love, we find a rugged cross. Blood-drenched yet triumphantly empty, this cross testifies to a promise-keeping love that goes beyond trifling sentiment. Think of it as “rugged love” — a love with teeth!

Love is rugged when it is

  • strong enough to face evil;
  • tenacious enough to do good;
  • courageous enough to enforce consequences;
  • sturdy enough to be patient;
  • resilient enough to forgive;
  • trusting enough to pray boldly.

Consider just two examples.

Strong Enough to Face Evil

Pete knows Becky is a serial adulterer, but he says nothing. Claire believes her brother is on drugs, but she won’t probe. Tammy overlooks the cruel comments her husband makes about her in public. Though each situation is distinct, they are all connected by a common compromise: Pete, Claire, and Tammy are all tolerating evil. If you ask them why, they say they do it all for love.

The Bible says, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil” (Romans 12:9). True and genuine love abhors evil. It means that we have eyes to see evil and the courage to respond to it. Sin and folly inhabit the soul of the wayward like unwelcome squatters. If these vices are ever to be expelled, they can’t be ignored or hidden, but must be honestly named and exposed.

Love goes beyond prodigal management to the deeper power of gospel application.

The gospel of God’s justification of evil people does not deny evil. In fact, the gospel shows us God’s deepest feelings about evil — he abhors it. “The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men” (Romans 1:18). God’s wrath is his settled and determined response to injustice, sin, rebellion, and evil. The gospel showcases how God met radical depravity with genuine, rugged love.

Let’s face it, loving like this is not simple or easy for us. To get here, you need to experience this love yourself, a love so sturdy that it enables you to face your biggest fears — rejection, anxiety over the unknown, failure. Giving rugged love begins by receiving the rugged love of God and holding fast to the promises of the gospel, knowing that he will never leave us or abandon us (Hebrews 13:5) and that he is truly with us until the end (Matthew 28:20).

Tenacious Enough to Do Good

Naming evil is an important step, but it is only a first step. Love is made rugged by a tenacious commitment to “not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21).

By doing positive good — responding with godly, rugged love — we overcome the evil that has been done. But if things deteriorate, we need to be ready for the painful reality that love may require letting a prodigal go. In the heart-breaking act of letting go, our intent is not to punish the person or to retaliate for what they have done to us. We must not meet evil with evil. When we do, everyone loses, and no one gets loved.

Rather, we let go as a way to do good.

Doing good requires tenacity, because the moments when it’s most necessary are the same moments when it’s most difficult. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”

Desperate Times Need Deeper Love

Anyone embracing rugged love faces huge emotional hurdles. It feels like we are piling on, almost as if we saw a drunk stumble in the street and decided to kick him to teach him a lesson. But if we’re serious about helping people enslaved in selfishness, we will find faith to think honestly and deeply about the gracious grit of genuine love.

Don’t be afraid. Speak the truth in love, and trust Jesus. He may surprise you.

Words and Meanings: ‘Committed’ Suicide

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Couple of things I have been contemplating and can’t post on my FB business page:

One of them is: Proponents of suicide prevention are wanting to change the wording of ‘committing’ suicide to ….died by suicide…..

So I looked up committed or commit

com·mit·ted
kəˈmidəd/
adjective
adjective: committed
feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated.
“a committed reformer”
com·mit
kəˈmit/Submit
verb
past tense: committed; past participle: committed
1.
carry out or perpetrate (a mistake, crime, or immoral act).
“he committed an uncharacteristic error”
synonyms: carry out, do, perpetrate, engage in, enact, execute, effect, accomplish; More
2.
pledge or bind (a person or an organization) to a certain course or policy.
“they were reluctant to commit themselves to an opinion”
synonyms: pledge, devote, apply, give, dedicate
“they committed themselves to the project”
pledge or set aside (resources) for future use.
“manufacturers will have to commit substantial funds to developing new engines”
be in a long-term emotional relationship with (someone).
be dedicated to (something).
“we must be committed to peace”
synonyms: devout, devoted, dedicated, loyal, faithful, staunch, firm, steadfast, unwavering, wholehearted, keen, passionate, ardent, fervent, sworn, pledged; More
antonyms: apathetic
3.
send, entrust, or consign, in particular.
synonyms: entrust, consign, assign, deliver, give, hand over, relinquish; formal commend
“she was committed to their care”
consign (someone) officially to prison, especially on remand.
“he was committed to prison for contempt of court”
synonyms: consign, send, deliver, confine
“the judge committed him to prison”
send (a person or case) for trial.
send (someone) to be confined in a psychiatric hospital.
“he had been committed for treatment”
synonyms: hospitalize, confine, institutionalize, put away; certify
“her husband had her committed”
transfer something to (a state or place).
“he composed a letter but didn’t commit it to paper”
refer (a legislative bill) to a committee.

~~

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-is-not-a-crime.html

~~

But, look at the synonyms: carry out, do, perpetrate, engage in, enact, execute, effect, accomplish. Some do pose a picture of crime, but some don’t.  The committed isn’t all negative.

Persons who die by suicide were actually committed, committed to ending their lives, sorrow, pain and frustration. They executed a desperate act upon themselves. They accomplished their means to an end. They carried out an act of self destruction.

I can understand taking it off the legal books as criminal, one can’t prosecute a dead person and if they attempt but do not succeed, they need help, not jail.

But the word committed isn’t just a negative legal word. Both committed and died by suicide are fine. It is an act that has to be committed, accomplished or executed.

…With all this being said, I am by no means arguing about this touchy subject. I was curious as to the meaning of the words we, as a culture, are trying to change to make them more palatable.

I have tried to commit suicide and know others that have too. It is a multi-faceted metal health issue that needs more attention brought to it with readily available resources for those who are suffering from it.

If you found this page and are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please do not worry about the words used to describe it, PLEASE DO find help! now. You are loved and your life is worth living.

Some resources below and they will have more also.

Home

~~

http://www.crisistextline.org/

https://teenlineonline.org/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Just Some Stuff to Throw up Here ~ July Edition

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Hey. Been super busy with school. School is for kids, kids with minds that still work, backs that are still strong to sit for long periods, and lives that only include school. lol

Biology really got me thinking about evolution and science and the bible and christian faith. There was a bit of a discussion on Fb that got a bit heated over whether dinosaurs were in the bible and if they aren’t then how do we square up the bible and science?

But when I questioned it, I was immediately told I was having problems with my faith and would be prayed for. thanks?

Since I’m pretty sure God allows us to think and study and have free will, I don’t feel I’m floundering in any way but I feel questioning and even asking God is good for the body and soul.

~

A couple of pages I saved on FB to share:

http://www.challies.com/articles/do-you-believe-god-will-save-your-kids

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1BpB3p/www.social-consciousness.com/2013/11/121-documentaries-to-expand-your-consciousness.html?ref_src=fb

I love documentaries, all kinds.

~

To say that God is testing me is an understatement. This trial brings me to tears. I think what God is trying to tell me through this is that I don’t depend on God, I don’t look to God, I don’t worship God… I do all those things to my son. And I placed a HUGE burden on him. He needed to be my child, that was all, not my idol. So broken over that.

Its been a hard lesson that I am still learning. Praying the lessons God is teaching my son will bring him back. Back to God.

~~

http://www.king5.com/news/absolutely-wrong-bill-nye-the-science-guy-takes-on-noahs-ark-exhibit/275442854

Saw this on FB today and am so so disappointed in all this. This creation is a travesty. Waste of money, time and resources, just to be an attraction to Ken Ham’s museums? I see this as no different from Joel Osteen’s mega church or the TBN cronies.

Ugh, the comments. Makes Christians look vile, silly and uneducated.

The last sentence…. As for the ark property itself, it’s not done expanding. Ham said plans for a walled city and Tower of Babel — intended to warn against the dangers of “prejudice and racism” — will be part of a future phase. 

BECAUSE THAT WORKED WELL THE FIRST TIME, EH?

~~

Small book review. Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

My friend and I were talking about community and how churches sometimes miss the mark on how community works so He graciously bought me this book to read. It’s a very well written treatise on christian community. My first thoughts were DUH we all should be doing this! He paints a family picture of a whole day spent in community; prayer, worship, work, confession and adoration for God.

We, in America, strive so hard for autonomy, that we lose the wonder of togetherness…in our churches, homes and cities. We forget we are connected to others, even globally.

Groups of people [churches, cities, bevys]  try so hard to be right, or correct or separate that we turn aside and almost hate others not included in that group. So sad. Everyone should read this book, especially leaders of groups.

That is all for now. Back to writing a research paper on GMO’s!

 

Musings on…. My Dream Ministry

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I am going through the Penn Foster Veterinary Technician program online. 50 years old and going back to college. not so easy.

Perfectionism is killing my vibe.

But lately my dreams are leading me in a different direction. The idea of a clearinghouse for stuff comes to mind.

A place to have tables set up for different ministries that want different things.

Crayon Initiative, Operation Christmas Child, eyeglass ministry, bible and book ministry. Foster care ministries.

I picture a huge front room with tables in a circle with the different ministries advertising on the tables, boxes and brochures, lists of items needed.

I picture a website with the ministries and items wanted, hours open and requirements for the ministry.

This wouldn’t be open to the public unless the ministry did a food or clothes pantry and they were there to organize the pick ups.

Ministries would have to pick up donations weekly or when needed and we would have hours that people could drop their items off.

I’m thinking noon to 9, Tuesday through Saturday.

We would need volunteers for manning the bldg. Money for rent, utilities, and postage for the ministries that are not in state/town.

The ministries would be anything…animal related, religious or not, people, here, in country, out of country.

Bonus!

My son has a desire to have a bldg for nonprofits to rent an office space for little rent.

If we could find a bldg that did both, that would be super.

Even a house type setting would be good, or a warehouse. I’m not sure what would work the best.

I don’t really know where to begin… I’m thinking of contacting some ministries that I am interested in and having them send over some artwork or tri fold or info for the website and table.

Then just use my house or garage, altho hubby doesn’t want me to use garage.

Sigh, why can’t I just have unlimited income to get this started?

Let me know your thoughts!!

Here is a link to the ministry page

Hope Mercantile Collective