Category Archives: cancer

My Experience the Other Night


I was laying in bed doing a self breast exam while running thru my mental list of things i need to do the next day, appts., and such.

I have had this lump for -ever and every year it gets an ultrasound and a clean bill of health from the doc.

Those of you that know me, know my mom and aunt both have had double mastectomies and i an kinda fanatic about checking and doing any preventative things to prevent cancer of my own.

I have been sick, head cold, and I found a lump in my other breast….

In that moment my body got tingles and a sick throw up feeling coming up from my toes to my head. My first thought was, I’m going to die.

[I am an extreme thinking kind of girl, it’s all or nothing, one end of spectrum or the other, until my calmer side prevails]

I have never had that feeling before that I can recall, and instead of trying to fight the feeling, or praying, or trying to change my thoughts: I rode with it. I laid in it.

It was weird, thinking about my life being gone. My mind instinctively goes into ‘cleaning mode’ getting things in order, wrapping up my life for my loved ones, but I tried to resist that.

Just lay there in the moment. The feeling didn’t get worse or better. Weird. Sorry, kind of anti-climatic… but so different i just needed to journal it.

Anyone else have anything like this?

PS I do know who holds my life in His hands and only He knows the days of my life. I hope when the day comes when I realize I’m in my last days I can remain calm and peaceful in His love.




I Gotta Get my Shit Together


So, its been 5 + years since the big awakening/incident with family and I really really need to get back into life.

I’ve gained 30 pounds, hid away in my house, only going out to work or church. Dropped all outside activities, bible studies and started menopause.

It that doesn’t throw someone way off, i don’t know what will.

I had been throwing myself into the ‘learning’ of homosexuality, questioning the bible and Jesus’ authenticity, taking prozac and reacting heavily on my circumstances and not my God.

So, now is the time…

I have been on the Love INC board for a few months now, just got voted VP and will start mentoring for Jobs for Life.

I cut off my dreads. Contemplating another tattoo.

Starting sunday school class, a book about the minor prophets and 5 weeks ago started an exercise program.

Also going to start back up on my hormone therapy. I am so tired of hot flashes, sweating and a wonderful thing I like to call ‘menopause brain’. It sucks. If I get breast cancer, then I do.

I can not let my family/circumstances run/ruin my life.

I can not let life pass me by.

scripture verses from here

God Is In Control

Proverbs 19:21 ESV / 269 helpful votes

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Romans 8:28 ESV / 170 helpful votes

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 45:6-7 ESV / 121 helpful votes

That people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 108 helpful votes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 19:26 ESV / 99 helpful votes

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Joshua 1:9 ESV / 99 helpful votes

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Matthew 6:34 ESV / 85 helpful votes

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Psalm 22:28 ESV / 66 helpful votes

For kingship belongs to the Lord, and he rules over the nations.

Proverbs 16:4 ESV / 62 helpful votes

The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.

Isaiah 55:8-11 ESV / 56 helpful votes

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

Ephesians 1:11 ESV / 55 helpful votes

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,

Psalm 115:3 ESV / 54 helpful votes

Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.

1 Chronicles 29:11 ESV / 46 helpful votes

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.

Job 12:10 ESV / 42 helpful votes

In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.

Isaiah 45:7 ESV / 38 helpful votes

I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.

Isaiah 41:10 ESV / 35 helpful votes

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Proverbs 16:9 ESV / 32 helpful votes

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Jeremiah 10:6-10 ESV / 31 helpful votes

There is none like you, O Lord; you are great, and your name is great in might. Who would not fear you, O King of the nations? For this is your due; for among all the wise ones of the nations and in all their kingdoms there is none like you. They are both stupid and foolish; the instruction of idols is but wood! Beaten silver is brought from Tarshish, and gold from Uphaz. They are the work of the craftsman and of the hands of the goldsmith; their clothing is violet and purple; they are all the work of skilled men. But the Lord is the true God; he is the living God and the everlasting King. At his wrath the earth quakes, and the nations cannot endure his indignation.

Hebrews 2:8 ESV / 25 helpful votes

Putting everything in subjection under his feet.” Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him.

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV / 24 helpful votes

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Romans 9:21 ESV / 24 helpful votes

Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?

Matthew 10:29 ESV / 22 helpful votes

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.

Exodus 9:16 ESV / 22 helpful votes

But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth.

Proverbs 21:1 ESV / 21 helpful votes

The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will.

Psalm 99:1-9 ESV / 20 helpful votes

The Lord reigns; let the peoples tremble! He sits enthroned upon the cherubim; let the earth quake! The Lord is great in Zion; he is exalted over all the peoples. Let them praise your great and awesome name! Holy is he! The King in his might loves justice. You have established equity; you have executed justice and righteousness in Jacob. Exalt the Lord our God; worship at his footstool! Holy is he! …

Revelation 4:11 ESV / 19 helpful votes

“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.”

Daniel 4:35 ESV / 19 helpful votes

All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, “What have you done?”

Psalm 24:1 ESV / 19 helpful votes

A Psalm of David. The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein,

Genesis 50:20 ESV / 17 helpful votes

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

2 Chronicles 20:5-12 ESV / 16 helpful votes

And Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the Lord, before the new court, and said, “O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you. Did you not, our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel, and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend? And they have lived in it and have built for you in it a sanctuary for your name, saying, ‘If disaster comes upon us, the sword, judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before you—for your name is in this house—and cry out to you in our affliction, and you will hear and save.’ …

Revelation 1:8 ESV / 15 helpful votes

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty.”

Acts 2:23 ESV / 15 helpful votes

This Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men.

Isaiah 14:24 ESV / 15 helpful votes

The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand,

1 John 1:5 ESV / 13 helpful votes

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.

1 Corinthians 14:33 ESV / 12 helpful votes

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints,

Isaiah 14:27 ESV / 12 helpful votes

For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?

John 14:6 ESV / 11 helpful votes

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

Psalm 37:23 ESV / 11 helpful votes

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way;

Psalm 3:1-8 ESV / 11 helpful votes

A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his son. O Lord, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, there is no salvation for him in God. Selah But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. …

Deuteronomy 33:26-29 ESV / 11 helpful votes

“There is none like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the heavens to your help, through the skies in his majesty. The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. And he thrust out the enemy before you and said, Destroy. So Israel lived in safety, Jacob lived alone, in a land of grain and wine, whose heavens drop down dew. Happy are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord, the shield of your help, and the sword of your triumph! Your enemies shall come fawning to you, and you shall tread upon their backs.”

Proverbs 29:26 ESV / 10 helpful votes

Many seek the face of a ruler, but it is from the Lord that a man gets justice.

Joshua 24:15 ESV / 10 helpful votes

And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Revelation 1:17-18 ESV / 9 helpful votes

When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying, “Fear not, I am the first and the last, and the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades.

James 1:13 ESV / 9 helpful votes

Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.

Hebrews 1:3 ESV / 9 helpful votes

He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,

John 3:1-36 ESV / 9 helpful votes

Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus by night and said to him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him.” Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicodemus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. …

Revelation 21:22-24 ESV / 7 helpful votes

And I saw no temple in the city, for its temple is the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb. And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb. By its light will the nations walk, and the kings of the earth will bring their glory into it,

Luke 21:8 ESV / 7 helpful votes

And he said, “See that you are not led astray. For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am he!’ and, ‘The time is at hand!’ Do not go after them.

Matthew 25:41 ESV / 7 helpful votes

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.

1 John 2:5 ESV / 5 helpful votes

But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him:

Luke 2:52 ESV / 5 helpful votes

And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man.

John 17:17 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth.

1 Samuel 2:6-7 ESV / 4 helpful votes

The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up. The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low and he exalts.

I Think I Found a Keeper ;)


Been a while, eh?

I’ve had the dreaded bronchitis for 2 weeks now. Boy moved out, office is looking like a real office, business is good. Liking my hours and my clients very much. Jonesing to get on the motorcycle, I smell spring in the air, maybe its just the freshly cut grass my hubby just did…

Been wavering in and out of the scriptures, choosing to listen to my bible CD’s in the car. I really need to get back into a bible study. Been skipping church when the guys were out-of-town. I guess we all go thru times of losing faith in fellow-man and man-made rules, but I never lose faith in my creator. I know He is there, watching me, holding the hood of sweatshirt, so I don’t fly away.

I quit doing a few secretarial things at church, my heart just wasn’t in it and I am hoping someone younger, more tech savvy and energized to do it will take over.

I still really wish we didn’t have to go thru trials in life, but it makes us stronger, or weaker, depending on His strength all the more.

I thought that having the kid move out would make things settle down a bit and in a way they have. I’m not so stressed out about him all the time, but God has decided to throw a couple little curve balls at me, possibly to divert my attention elsewhere.

Hubby went to doctor, but thankfully he was ok. I’m glad he finally went and I guess it just takes a little scare to get your act together.

I had to find a new doc and she has been hounding me to get off my estrogen because of breast cancer risks. Quite frankly it scares the crap outta me, I don’t want to have no energy, have sweats and have my bones get weak.

I’m not quite sure how to figure this one, but she was in the process of a breast check at my physical the other day and found a lump.

Part of me wants to believe she is just trying to scare me to get off the HRT and part of me knows it’s a real threat and possibility.

So off I go to have a diagnostic mammogram on my birthday of all days. Yeah for me.

I not worried about it, yet. And I have talked to hubby about what I want to happen at any and all outcomes.

We never really know what we sign up for when we say our “I-do’s” do we?

We never truly understand the sickness and in health…. or in wealth or poorness.

That man has had to put up with so much stuff from me. Don’t know how he does it and still tells me he loves me.



OncoVue Breast Cancer Risk Test ~ This Makes Me Very Happy!


Test results from my breast cancer test…..

My top post that is read here on Musings is This One with 5700 views. Its called Get Your Mammograms, Ladies!

breast test OncoVue

Its too small to see here but click here to see the large picture….

As you can see the black bar is the average  of the estimated risk probability. The white bar  is ME.

The green shading is the standard risk category, the yellow is moderate and orange is high risk probability.

Thanks be to God! I’m low to middle in the standard range, nothing new needs to be done.

Mammograms every year, high does of Vitamin D and self-checks. I also see a cancer doctor once a year for a check-up. Preventative medicine, since my mom and aunt [mom’s sister] both had breast cancer and double mastectomies.

I cannot tell you how relieved I am and how I still want you ladies out there to get a mammogram and do the self exams. It could save a life. Yours.

 Blessings, Kristina

De 7:9 – [In Context|Read Chapter|Original Hebrew]
“Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments;
Ps 31:23 – [In Context|Read Chapter|Original Hebrew]
O love the LORD, all you His godly ones! The LORD preserves the faithful And fully recompenses the proud doer.
1Co 1:9 – [In Context|Read Chapter|Original Greek]
God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
1Th 5:24 – [In Context|Read Chapter|Original Greek]
Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

Musings on…. Leviticus 19. Again.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
‘You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD.GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
Never slash your body to mourn the dead, and never get a tattoo. I am the LORD.

King James Bible
Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

American King James Version
You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks on you: I am the LORD.

American Standard Version
Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am Jehovah.

Bible in Basic English
You may not make cuts in your flesh in respect for the dead, or have marks printed on your bodies: I am the Lord.

Douay-Rheims Bible
You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh, for the dead, neither shall you make in yourselves any figures or marks: I am the Lord.

Darby Bible Translation
And cuttings for a dead person shall ye not make in your flesh, nor put any tattoo writing upon you: I am Jehovah.

English Revised Version
Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

Webster’s Bible Translation
Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

World English Bible
“‘You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks on you. I am Yahweh.

Young’s Literal Translation
And a cutting for the soul ye do not put in your flesh; and a writing, a cross-mark, ye do not put on you; I am Jehovah.

Geneva Study BibleYe shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any {l} marks upon you: I am the LORD.

(l) By whipping your bodies or burning marks in them.

Wesley’s Notes

19:28 Cuttings in your flesh – Which the Gentiles commonly did both in the worship of their idols, and in their solemn mournings, Jer 16:6.

Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary

28. Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead-The practice of making deep gashes on the face and arms and legs, in time of bereavement, was universal among the heathen, and it was deemed a becoming mark of respect for the dead, as well as a sort of propitiatory offering to the deities who presided over death and the grave. The Jews learned this custom in Egypt, and though weaned from it, relapsed in a later and degenerate age into this old superstition (Isa 15:2; Jer 16:6; 41:5).

nor print any marks upon you-by tattooing, imprinting figures of flowers, leaves, stars, and other fanciful devices on various parts of their person. The impression was made sometimes by means of a hot iron, sometimes by ink or paint, as is done by the Arab females of the present day and the different castes of the Hindus. It is probable that a strong propensity to adopt such marks in honor of some idol gave occasion to the prohibition in this verse; and they were wisely forbidden, for they were signs of apostasy; and, when once made, they were insuperable obstacles to a return. (See allusions to the practice, Isa 44:5; Re 13:17; 14:1).

Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary

19:1-37 laws. – There are some ceremonial precepts in this chapter, but most of these precepts are binding on us, for they are explanations of the ten commandments. It is required that Israel be a holy people, because the God of Israel is a holy God, ver. 2. To teach real separation from the world and the flesh, and entire devotedness to God. This is now the law of Christ; may the Lord bring every thought within us into obedience to it! Children are to be obedient to their parents, ver. 3.

The fear here required includes inward reverence and esteem, outward respect and obedience, care to please them and to make them easy. God only is to be worshipped, ver. 4. Turn not from the true God to false ones, from the God who will make you holy and happy, to those that will deceive you, and make you for ever miserable. Turn not your eyes to them, much less your heart. They should leave the gleanings of their harvest and vintage for the poor, ver. 9.

Works of piety must be always attended with works of charity, according to our ability. We must not be covetous, griping, and greedy of every thing we can lay claim to, nor insist upon our right in all things. We are to be honest and true in all our dealings, ver. 11.

Whatever we have in the world, we must see that we get it honestly, for we cannot be truly rich, or long rich, with that which is not so. Reverence to the sacred name of God must be shown, ver. 12. We must not detain what belongs to another, particularly the wages of the hireling, ver. 13.

We must be tender of the credit and safety of those that cannot help themselves, ver. 14. Do no hurt to any, because they are unwilling or unable to avenge themselves. We ought to take heed of doing any thing which may occasion our weak brother to fall. The fear of God should keep us from doing wrong things, though they will not expose us to men’s anger. Judges, and all in authority, are commanded to give judgment without partiality, ver. 15. To be a tale-bearer, and to sow discord among neighbours, is as bad an office as a man can put himself into. We are to rebuke our neighbour in love, ver. 17.

Rather rebuke him than hate him, for an injury done to thyself. We incur guilt by not reproving; it is hating our brother. We should say, I will do him the kindness to tell him of his faults. We are to put off all malice, and to put on brotherly love, ver. 18. We often wrong ourselves, but we soon forgive ourselves those wrongs, and they do not at all lessen our love to ourselves; in like manner we should love our neighbour. We must in many cases deny ourselves for the good of our neighbour.

Ver. 31: For Christians to have their fortunes told, to use spells and charms, or the like, is a sad affront to God. They must be grossly ignorant who ask, What harm is there in these things? Here is a charge to young people to show respect to the aged, ver. 32. Religion teaches good manners, and obliges us to honour those to whom honour is due. A charge was given to the Israelites to be very tender of strangers, ver. 33.

Strangers, and the widows and fatherless, are God’s particular care. It is at our peril, if we do them any wrong. Strangers shall be welcome to God’s grace; we should do what we can to recommend religion to them. Justice in weights and measures is commanded, ver. 35. We must make conscience of obeying God’s precepts. We are not to pick and choose our duty, but must aim at standing complete in all the will of God. And the nearer our lives and tempers are to the precepts of God’s law, the happier shall we be, and the happier shall we make all around us, and the better shall we adorn the gospel.

I still love this site so very much: here


Anna Bella ~ Stage 2 & What Was I Thinking?


 Anna Bella has stage 2 mast cell cancer.

Of course stage 2 is the ‘iffy’ stage.

Stage 1, there is no spreading of the cells.

Stage 3 there is definitely spreading in to organs of cells.

Stage 2 is where it could be spread but more tests are needed.

The next step is an ultrasound of her abdomen cavity to see if its in her spleen. Spleen can be taken out if needed.

She is to be watched very careful for at least a year. If tumor free for a year, they are considered ‘cured’ but ya never know in life, eh?

Hubby has to make the decision whether to do an ultrasound. Then we wait and watch.

Cancer sucks, even in animals!


Son: had his first round of allergy shots, he is pretty much allergic to the outside! Trees, grasses, weeds and dust mites.

Now he is laying in bed, milking his flu symptoms for all they are worth.

How in the world do I expect to be able to go to college every day when I can’t even get myself to go to bible study every Tuesday and to the Humane Society on Fridays?

Why do I think I can make it to school when I have to do anything on a schedule, I think in my mind “I’m a rebel, I’m not catering to any old schedule, I’m staying home today”

How can I handle the pressure of homework when I can’t even get the youth bible study pre-work done?

How could I handle the pressure of getting grades when a tumor, allergy shots twice a week and basement construction throw me into a tizzy and wanting to down massive amounts of vodka, only to re-consider and eat a whole cake in 2 days and 2 bags of licorce?

From Jude. What do these verses say to you?

17But, dear friends, remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ foretold. 18They said to you, “In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires.” 19These are the men who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit.

    20But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. 21Keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

    22Be merciful to those who doubt; 23snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

In Him, Kristina