There Once Was a Girl……


There once was a girl who grew up normal. Public school, no abuse, no poverty. Small town middle class. She grew up in an era of changing times. Born in the 60’s, young in the 70’s, a teen in the 80’s. She never had religion and listened to what everyone else did about culture and how-to live life.

She ran off to Alaska as soon as she could. Same old story, small town girl running away from the life she knew, thinking the world was a much better and brighter place than at home. She thought, as all young people do, she had her life together, she had big plans and nothing will stop her.

She had a miscarriage in ’84. Didn’t think about it much. Having too much fun. She misses home, moved back in 87. Finds out she is pregnant by a married man in AK. Seeks help. She visits a christian ‘Care Net’ type place. She refuses the help, she already knows what she needs to do. This thing will not the stop the trajectory her life is headed. Her next stop, Planned Parenthood.

She works, she dates, she doesn’t think about her actions or her consequences. She meets and dates a guy who is abusive, but for some godforsaken reason she stays with him. For too long. She also kills 2 of his babies. She had her reasons. She wasn’t going to be ‘attached’ to him by any means and her life just didn’t have room for kids.

She had now officially graduated to using abortion as birth control.

In ’92 she meets a man, a man who she could see a future with. A good and kind man. She gets pregnant 3 months into the relationship. For some reason, she sees a future with a kid. With his kid. What made her change her mind about this one?

The pregnancy time was wrought with difficulties, lots of stress and being pregnant was not ideal for her. But she had the love and support of her family and man. Did she think of her other children? Did she wonder what life would be like if she had kept them?

Out came a healthy beautiful baby boy who quickly became the love of her life. And as parents know, she wondered what was that other life she had before him. She struggled with post partum depression and dabbled with alcohol abuse, she decided to ‘go it alone’. Her son was 4, it was ’97. She left the man for a time and sowed some wild oats. She got pregnant. By a man she had no intention of being with. She had no one to help. She asked her baby daddy to take her to the clinic. He did. He drove her there with her little son in the back. He picked her back up and took her to her apartment.

Heaven only knows what this man was thinking, but he loved her, so he helped her.

How could this woman, who had experienced a child moving in her womb, loved a child so much, how could she so callously kill another baby!

But she did. And she did with no less qualms than before. A few months later she gets back together with her man and they get married. The cutest little 5-year-old was the ring bearer.

God finds them. They find religion. They join a church. She learns of Jesus dying on the cross for all her sins. ALL her sins. She learns of forgiveness and lovingkindness. She dreams of one day seeing her children in heaven, standing there waiting for her, hugging her and telling her they love her.

She struggles with forgiving herself. She finally sees the gravity of things she has done. She is surrounded by christian women who have also done the same thing. She bonds with them. She does bible studies, post abortion healing studies, you name it, she studied it.  Has she ever forgiven herself? How can she claim to be a christian when she has done horrible things? She sits in silent shame every Sanctity of Life Sunday at church. She hears the pastor condemning remarks about people like her who kill. She feels like a monster.

She slowly does forgive herself, but the pain never goes away. She knows she took life. Precious life.

She learns more about her faith. Her church is of the reformed faith. They believe in, among other things, election. In simple terms it means God has foreordained every single human being to be ‘elect’, or God’s chosen, before they were formed in their mother’s womb. So, no matter what a person does, he or she is either God’s or not. Not based on anything they do or will do in life. So, to flesh that out, even babies, whether aborted or dying in infancy are either headed to heaven or hell. Based solely on Gods discretion.

She had a bit of a meltdown. She had always assumed she would get to see her children in heaven, to apologize, to hold them, to even worship the Lord together. Now she must deal with the knowledge she may never see them.

Fast forward to 2005. Her teenage son comes out as gay. She sees no grandchildren in her future. Her life is upended once again. She has gone through many crisis of faith in the past 13 years. She doesn’t understand how to reconcile much of what she has been taught about the Lord in regards to her real life situations. She struggles to make sense of it all. Life still moves forward.


How do you feel about this girl? Is she a monster? Do you think you could love her now, knowing what she has done and how she struggles with her faith?

Do you think if she just had more faith she would be fine? Do you, as a mere human, forgive her, her trespasses?

Will you come to her in love, if she confesses to you, she doesn’t know if she believes in God anymore? At least not the God of Calvin and Sproul?

Will you still be her friend if she lets you in on her secrets? Would you embrace her with all her scars?




About Kristina

54 year old Christian lady, knitter, crafter, church admin, thrill seeker (only when shopping at thrift stores for tremendous bargains) my 4 dogs and my pigs servant, a child of God, saved, redeemed and trying to be joyful in a fallen world.

4 responses »

  1. I am just now reading this….I see (and have seen, ever since I met you) as someone who is very special. Big heart, tough, tender, and I could go on and on. This is a very powerful/ vulnerable, God honoring post. When I read this, the first thing I saw was Jesus reaching down and wrapping you in his arms… my list of sins is different than yours but just as broken. Put the god of Calvin and Sproul on the shelf. They were good men attempting to make sense out of the unexplainable. No doubt in my mind you will meet those little babies of yours again in eternity. See you soon! Love from the Mrs and I. DM

    • John MacArthur, when asked about what happened to children who died, replied “Instant Heaven.” I know you are hurting, broken, and as one broken myself, I would like to say that when life doesn’t make sense, God still does. Our sin always separates us from God but His grace reached across the chasm. I was raised in abuse, married an abusive husband,and made more mistakes and sinned more times than any one person ought to be able to. God alone got me through. I know the pain that comes from seeing our children hurt, from watching their bad choices. Of my nine children, two have turned against God. That breaks my heart. But God remains good. If I lose that I have no where to turn for my children. I beg you to lean into Him.

  2. And, no, I would not reject you. I could not, would not, cast the first stone. I, too, have hurt, questioned God’s goodness, and struggled in numerous ways. In you, I would see shades of myself. I will pray for you.

  3. I remember a Pastor telling me, do not put me on a pedestal because I am sure to fall and let you down. We put our faith in God and not in man (woman). That especially goes with everyone interpretations, different religions. I like to think Judge, less ye be judged. Only God knows out hears and only God will call those home. Nothing man can say or do will have any bearing. Do I wish this boy would go to church, no, do I wish he had a personal relationship with Christ… yes. That again is between himself and Christ. Your other blog covers part of your own question well. Those who bully, use scripture to condemn others are no better themselves. We are to love our neighbor as ourselves. One of the 2 main principles that all other commandments fall under. The girl is forgiven, the girl is now a woman and that girl and the history is past. She is real and people can understand and appreciate how she has changed and relate t o your hardships and honesty. We can all have doubt, want to run from faith, religion. So we pray and have faith and ask ourselves is it God or man that is really making us run. It is good to be in church with a body of believers but to also know that these same people have issues, problems and fall short. Kindness and love sure go a long way. Finally… abot that girl. I could see myself with her forever.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s