Musings on… My Value

Standard

val·ue
/ˈvalyo͞o/
noun
1.
the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.
“your support is of great value”
synonyms: worth, usefulness, advantage, benefit, gain, profit, good, help, merit, helpfulness, avail;
2.
a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.
“they internalize their parents’ rules and values”
synonyms: principles, ethics, moral code, morals, standards, code of behavior
“society’s values are passed on to us as children”
verb
1.
estimate the monetary worth of (something).
“his estate was valued at $45,000”
synonyms: evaluate, assess, estimate, appraise, price, put/set a price on
“his estate was valued at $345,000”
2.
consider (someone or something) to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.
“she had come to value her privacy and independence”
synonyms: think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, rate highly, esteem, set (great) store by, put stock in, appreciate, respect;

~~

Yesterday a bunch of older men and my hubby were talking about life insurance and he mentioned that I was upset that I don’t have any life insurance. They all, in unison, said and snickered, ‘what does she need life insurance for?’

[Patriarchy at its finest] *sarcasm font

Lately I have been thinking about my value, more, I have been feeling defeated because I don’t think I HAVE any value.

But how do I even define value? An insurance policy? A pat on the back from my family? God’s approval?

And do people who have servants hearts all feel this way?

by nature a servant is ‘below’ the people they are serving. I’m not against that. I love helping people. I’m at my best when I do that. If I am not serving, I’m not living. Not being able to say no…that is another story for another time.

by nature a servant thinks of others needs. Most of the time before their own. Servants have empathy. Why do servants do what they do?

According to the definitions above

Do they want to feel worth or usefulness

Are they abiding by rules, moral codes

Do they, or can they, put a price on their servant hood [life]

Do they want others to view them with esteem, importance, respect?

~~

In my case
growing up my parents weren’t the best at affection and encouraging words. my father wasn’t present in our sports, concerts, school life. He worked. Hard. He kept food in the house he maintained. His job was done, apparently. I think my dad attended one thing, my graduation.

My mother likes to blame my dad for talking down to us, in reality [or my reality] she was the one who called us stupid and any dreams and ideas were stupid.

In essence, if my dreams are stupid, the dreams are a part of me, so I’m stupid. This also would follow the same lines…[If being gay is wrong/sinful and I am gay, then I am sinful and wrong.] *sorry, rabbit trail

Fast forward to marriage, birth of son [in the interim years, I never kept a boyfriend long, never was going to let anyone hurt me, another story for another time]

Shitty start to a relationship..and after son was born, MAJOR depression. Mix in some alcoholism and poof…. feelings of inadequacy and not being able to work, and ending up in a week-long hospital stay… ugh. hate just thinking about it.

Played stay-at-home mom with relish. As I remember hubby and I agreed to it. made better sense. Too much work always stressed me. We didn’t have a financial burden to worry about. Since we are dealing with value and this pertains to it, and even tho hubby hates it. Hubby deems money highly. He has made a good life for all his family and has worked hard to be a good provider.

Its more about things that he thinks and then proceed out of his mouth.

I’ll try not to get into too many details, but over the years, its obvious that I am not of the same ‘value’ because I don’t make money in this household.

I think it is worse in the christian culture. the bible is wrought with women being less-than and groups that hold to literal interpretations of the bible are super guilty of this.

Maybe I feel hurt because it’s the people who I think should value me the most, don’t. I know that most people just value me for what I do for them and I can handle that. They aren’t in my life all the time.

Never when I feel hurt by being under valued, do I want to stop being a servant.

What about legacy? Does that have to do with value? Will I live on in, well, I know I will only live on in people’s minds as long as they live.

Sidenote, the movie Coco stuck me hard, at first I thought it silly, but its true, only if the loved ones still remember you, you live on. hmmm.

Legacy…. I want to pass on more than just yarn to my son. Does an insurance help that? Would he value me more if he knew he was in cash money when I die? Does it really matter?

Does any of this really matter? and how do I stop these feelings? I know, I know, christian readers, my worth should in Christ. I shouldn’t care how I am treated because Christ loves me and values me.

I should look toward Him for my worth. My value.

but as we say, we are fallen sinful creatures and living the everyday life wears ya down. Christ isn’t sitting in my living room with pom poms cheering me on everyday.

How do you think about value?

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One response »

  1. I really appreciate you writing this one Kristina. I have no time for “Christianese” politically correct answers in the church. All of that smoke and mirrors, posturing that (often) happens when we are with each other is for the birds. Give me authentic broken, nitty, gritty, here is where I really live honest transparent conversation any day over, “I’m just claiming the victory” BS. that is one of the qualities I have always loved about you. You are the real deal, and I see Jesus in your life..period. Not going to throw any quick glib, simplistic responses to you on this one. I think variations of these thoughts/ feelings/ etc. are universal..(the battles of self esteem/ self worth touch most all…Heck I remember good old Dr Dobson confessing to battling low self esteem at various times…now if he had times like that, I think we’re all in good company.
    On a purely feeling level, this stuff sucks. I’m currently reading the autobiography of Patrick Swayze after he was diagnosed with cancer. While he was not a professing bible believing Christian as far as I can tell, he wrestles with literally the same things you are writing about here…literally, I kid you not…. You tell Jim he needs to put a term life insurance policy on you at least as much as he has on himself. XOXOX from the heartlands. DM

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