The Creeping Sadness

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How can I wake up and be sad?

Why does it feel like the weight of the world sits on my head?

My body, feels like crying, all the time.

It feels like a low-grade cold, tired, sad, no energy. Blah.

I can’t concentrate on school work.

I pack a few boxes for moving every day, I try to get on treadmill, but my old body aches.

I eat emotionally all the time.

I want to rely on God and give him all my troubles, but even the confidence of a savior eludes me.

I wish to be in a different place in a different time…

But logically that makes no sense, because I can’t leave all my problems behind. They are in my head.

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51 Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
    blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
    build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

  Breathe on Me, Breathe of God

1 Breathe on me, Breath of God,
fill me with life anew,
that I may love the way you love,
and do what you would do.

2 Breathe on me, Breath of God,
until my heart is pure,
until my will is one with yours,
to do and to endure.

3 Breathe on me, Breath of God,
so shall I never die,
but live with you the perfect life
for all eternity.

Psalter Hymnal, 1987

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About Kristina

51 year old Christian lady, knitter, pet sitter/walker, bible collector, crafter, little business owner, thrill seeker (only when shopping at thrift stores for tremendous bargains) my animals servant, a child of God, saved, redeemed and trying to be joyful in a fallen world.

One response »

  1. That sounds a lot like depression, which I have experienced first hand myself, for months and months on end… Damn stuff. It is not simply a matter of “willing” anything. I will begin to pray that God puts a new song in your heart.

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