Why Do I Still Feel?

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Why is it every morning I wake up with this low-level feeling of sadness and despair? My life is good, basically, I have worries, but nothing I can control.

I have a house, a job, a few friends, a family (albeit a dysfunctional one), nothing that requires this level of sadness.

I used to be a badass… Told myself and others that I was never going to let anyone hurt me, again. Keep the emotions inside, emotions were for babies.

But as I get older, as I found and lost more people, found and grasped onto God,  as I gained a husband, a baby, an extended family, I realized my real self is a ball of mushy disgusting feelings. My heart feels, too much. And I let it. Damn it.

{ I write this one morning and in the evening at my Jobs for Life class, we get to read this}

 psalm51

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

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6 responses »

  1. my heart aches reading this. completely difference circumstances but I remember these very same feelings (and thoughts) from about 1993 through 1995. heavy, inescapable, feelings of sadness and despair. a very confusing season of my life. nothing had prepared me for it. I experienced the death of a life goal. No other way to put it. I’m not talking some “goal” like a career goal, or, buying something. I’m talking something I believed in the core of my being, God had called me to it, and I had planned to spend the rest of my life, pursuing, and another human derailed it, by the sovereignty of God. God eventually did many wonderful things as a direct result of it, BUT 20 years later, there is still a tender spot. I think grief is like that, gradually, the intensity lessens, but you don’t forget.

  2. I love this. I hate it for you, but I appreciate your openness in writing it. Thank you for being transparent.

    I have some tools I learned which helped me overcome the creeping daily darkness. If you want me to share them, send me an email.

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