My Experience the Other Night

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I was laying in bed doing a self breast exam while running thru my mental list of things i need to do the next day, appts., and such.

I have had this lump for -ever and every year it gets an ultrasound and a clean bill of health from the doc.

Those of you that know me, know my mom and aunt both have had double mastectomies and i an kinda fanatic about checking and doing any preventative things to prevent cancer of my own.

I have been sick, head cold, and I found a lump in my other breast….

In that moment my body got tingles and a sick throw up feeling coming up from my toes to my head. My first thought was, I’m going to die.

[I am an extreme thinking kind of girl, it’s all or nothing, one end of spectrum or the other, until my calmer side prevails]

I have never had that feeling before that I can recall, and instead of trying to fight the feeling, or praying, or trying to change my thoughts: I rode with it. I laid in it.

It was weird, thinking about my life being gone. My mind instinctively goes into ‘cleaning mode’ getting things in order, wrapping up my life for my loved ones, but I tried to resist that.

Just lay there in the moment. The feeling didn’t get worse or better. Weird. Sorry, kind of anti-climatic… but so different i just needed to journal it.

Anyone else have anything like this?

PS I do know who holds my life in His hands and only He knows the days of my life. I hope when the day comes when I realize I’m in my last days I can remain calm and peaceful in His love.

 

 

 

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