Monthly Archives: January 2014

5 Stages of Grief for Parents of LGBT Kids~Blog post

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So, I read this blog post and commented on it, the comment is below.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/loveisanorientation/2014/01/the-five-stages-of-grief-for-parents-of-lgbt-children/

I never in a million years would have thought I would be going through a grieving process over this, but as soon as it hit, I knew what it was. Knew the pain my brain and my heart would go thru.

Its crazy, because the kid think its focused on him, but it’s not. Its our hopes, dreams, wishes, wants, feeling of what WE want or have for our child that is the focus.

When a parents focus is dysfunctional then it gets weird. Or shall I say priorities get messed up.

We worry about safety [we can thank the news for that] we worry about health [AIDS, HIV, STD]

and their future happiness [because certainly they can not be happy being like that! ] [sarcasm]

Our first thought is never “What is my child going through?” But soon our thoughts do come around to that and the heartfelt conversations begin.

It’s a long long heart-wrenching experience to finally talk to your child about what he went/is going through when he realizes he/she isn’t ‘normal’.

To know all the things you don’t ever want your child to go through, they have already, either by bullies, the church, their own brain. It’s agonizing.

Most parents probably don’t get to that stage. Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but I’ve read and heard the stories of shitty parents not getting past their own dysfunction to take care of their hurting kids.

Long story short. I read it, I commented on it, I live it.

Jason, this is a great article and like you said, its not a ‘one size fits all’ but it’s very good. I did a lot of my grieving with/focused at God, the bargaining, the acceptance. In my anger I never blamed my son or God, mostly myself.

 I have probably read every single book/blog/article, christian and not, about SSA. It’s been exhausting. But I love my son and I love my God and those need to be reconciled in my mind and heart. 

My child, as probably most, really just want their parents to be at the acceptance stage as soon as they tell them. They don’t understand the parents must go through the same process as they have throughout their lifetime. 

My advice to a child getting ready to tell their parents: be patient and be prepared to walk through the grieving process with your parents. 

As a parent first I want my child to be saved, then I want the child to be safe, to be happy and thrive, and I want him in my life. 

All these things get put in the forefront of a parent’s mind when their child comes out to them. 

I’m kind of rambling, but hopefully you get what I am saying. thanks. Kristina

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CS Lewis on Homosexuality

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Found this here:

http://www.livingout.org/resources/cs-lewis-on-homosexuality

“First, to map out the boundaries within which all discussion must go on, I take it for certain that the physical satisfaction of homosexual desires is sin. This leaves the homosexual no worse off that any normal person who is, for whatever reason, prevented from marrying. Second our speculations on the cause of the abnormality are not what matters and we must be content with ignorance. The disciples were not told why (in terms of efficient cause) the man was born blind (John 9:1-3): only the final cause, that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

The disciples were not told why (in terms of efficient cause) the man was born blind (John 9:1-3): only the final cause, that the works of God should be made manifest in him

This suggests that in homosexuality, as in every other tribulation, those works can be made manifest: i.e. that every disability conceals a vocation, if only we find it, which would “turn the necessity to glorious gain.” Of course, the first step must be to accept any privations which, if so disabled, we can’t lawfully get. The homosexual has to accept sexual abstience just as the poor man has to forgo otherwise lawful pleasures because he would be unjust to his wife and children if he took them. That is merely a negative condition.

What should the positive life of the homosexual be? I wish I had a letter which a pious male homosexual, now dead, once wrote to me – but of course it was the sort of letter one takes care to destroy. He believed that his necessity could  be turned to spiritual gain: that there were certain kinds of sympathy and understanding, a certain social role which mere men and mere women could not give. But it is all horribly vague – too long ago. Perhaps any homosexual who humbly accepts his cross and puts himself under Divine guidance will, however, be shown the way. I am sure that any attempt to evade it (e.g., by mock- or quasi-marriage with a member of one’s own sex even if this does not led to any carnal act) is the wrong way.”

CS Lewis in Walter Hooper (Ed)., The Collected Letters of CS Lewis Vol III, p.471.

Comments, thoughts?

What is Required in the 7th Commandment?

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Q70: Which is the Seventh Commandment?
A70: The Seventh Commandment is, “thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Q71: What is required in the Seventh Commandment?
A71: The Seventh Commandment requireth the preservation of our own and our neighbor’s chasity, in heart, speech, and behaviour.

Q72: What is forbidden in the Seventh Commandment?
A72: The Seventh Commandment forbiddeth all unchaste thoughts, words, and actions.

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ADULTERY

:  voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband; also :  an act of adultery

Sexual relations between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse. Prohibitions against adultery are found in virtually every society; Jewish, Christian, and Islamic traditions all condemn it, and in some Islamic countries it is still punishable by death. Attitudes toward adultery in different cultures have varied widely. Under the Code of Hammurabi (18th century BC) in Babylonia it was punishable by death by drowning, and in ancient Rome an offending woman could be killed, though men were not severely punished. In western Europe and North America, adultery by either spouse is a ground for divorce, though in the U.S. the shift to no-fault divorce significantly reduced the importance of adultery as an element in divorce proceedings. The spread of Western ideas of equality in marriage has resulted in pressure for equal marital rights for women in traditional African and Southeast Asian societies.

chaste

adjective \ˈchāst\

: not having sex

: morally pure or decent : not sinful

: simple or plain

chastepuremodestdecent mean free from all taint of what is lewd or salacious. chaste primarily implies a refraining from acts or even thoughts or desires that are not virginal or not sanctioned by marriage vows <they maintained chaste relations>. pure differs from chaste in implying innocence and absence of temptation rather than control of one’s impulses and actions <the pure of heart>. modest and decent apply especially to deportment and dress as outward signs of inward chastity or purity <preferred more modest swimsuits><decent people didn’t go to such movies>.

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heart, speech, behaviour, thoughts, words, actions.  Did you think it was just ‘keeping your pants on?’

Nope. Old testament talks about the ‘acts’ the new testament, Jesus, in fact, talks about our hearts, minds and thoughts!

The Idol Behind the Desire

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http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-idol-behind-same-sex-desires

As i was reading this post, this:

Contrary to heterosexual desires (a desire for what we are not, and cannot become), same-sex desires are cravings for what we want to see in ourselves, but lack. Often a powerful emotional over-dependency, and a profound need to be around someone to gain their approval and affirmation, arise in the heart as a result.

jumped out at me.

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I was having a conversation with my son about his same age, same sex cousin. He doesn’t like him, doesn’t like his bravado and maleness. I told my son to be nice to him, that he was just angry because he, my son, wanted to be like him but never was. [paraphrased]

My son surprised me with his answer. No, he said, he wanted to be like his new boyfriend, meaning smart, funny, good singer, great acting abilities, great home life, played a bit of sports and a bit naive/sheltered.

{Which is exactly how he grew up/was when he was younger}

This is in general, mind you, but we pick our significant other for the traits we don’t have or the traits we love about them or whathaveyou.

SSA , in general, especially men, pick others for what they want to be, mostly because they struggled with their own identity. The reasoning behind the struggles are immense and I won’t go into them because we could argue about it all week, but it’s there.

or this, a child grows up without a male sense of himself, for whatever reason, then when puberty hits the idol of his heart,the person he wants to be like, becomes his love interest.

It kinda all came together in my mind of what might be playing out in his head.

He wants to be ‘this type of person’ so he seeks to love this kind of person, yet in the end will resent this person for the qualities he so much seeks in himself that he will/might never attain.

He really has all the great qualities this other has, but somehow, somewhere there got messed up in his head and he doesn’t -can’t feel it about himself.

This might not make sense to you but … It’s been on my mind.

The guy who wrote this is here:

http://www.livingout.org/