Asking For Correction ~ For the Brave at Heart



‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3:5-6

Asking for Correction

By Ken Sande, President of Peacemaker Ministries

Would you like to experience significant character growth? One way to do this is to ask people you trust to point out your shortcomings. This is risky business, but it is worth the effort.

All of us have areas of weakness and needed growth. These weaknesses are often pointed out to us in the midst of conflict. Unfortunately, at such times we are usually defensive and do not listen well to correction, even when there is truth in it. As a result, we often ignore valid criticism and fail to benefit from it.

One way to get around this roadblock is to ask for correction before conflict arises. Seeking and being open to correction is highly commended in Scripture. The Psalmist declares, ‘Let a righteous man strike me-it is a kindness; let him rebuke me-it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it’ (Ps. 141:5). And according to Proverbs 27:6, ‘Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.’

I first discovered the truth of these passages years ago when two friends and I met each week. We agreed to prayerfully point out three characteristics in one another that seemed to offend others or diminish our witness for Christ. To my surprise, my friends came up with two identical criticisms. This was both convicting and embarrassing!

But God used their correction to help me face behavior and attitudes that were undermining my friendships, ministry, and even my marriage. I will always be grateful for their loving feedback.

Since character growth is a lifelong challenge, I am going through this process again by asking my family and a few friends and coworkers for their loving correction. Realizing that lasting change comes only as God works in my heart, I am digging deeper this time. I am asking these people to help me identify the desires of my heart that give rise to ungodly behavior, and to pray for me as I seek God’s help for change.

I have developed two short letters that ask seven questions. The answers will help me see myself more clearly. One letter is for family and friends, and the other is for co-workers. The questions include the following:

  • Please describe three character qualities, behaviors, or attitudes in me that have disappointed, annoyed, or offended you or others, or seemed to undermine my witness for Christ. Give specific examples, if possible.
  • What things have you seen me make idols out of? (An idol is any desire-even for good things-that I have elevated to a demand, become excessively preoccupied with, looked to for security, had to have in order to be content, or allowed to control me.)
  • If there were just one change God would bring about in me in the next six months, what would you pray it would be?

A young man I am mentoring is already using these letters to seek insights into how he needs to change. You and your church are also welcome to use or modify them as you seek to grow in character this year.

Copies may be downloaded from the Peacemaker Ministries website. Letter to friend  letter to co-worker

May God grant all of us the desire to mature in faith and character, the wisdom to deliberately seek correction, and the faith to follow God wholeheartedly as he steadily conforms us to the likeness of his Son.

Ken Sande is an attorney, the author of The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Baker Books, 3rd Ed. 2003), Peacemaking for Families (Tyndale, 2002), and president of Peacemaker Ministries (, an international ministry committed to equipping and assisting Christians and their churches to respond to conflict biblically.

This article in its entirety may be photocopied, re-transmitted by electronic mail, or reproduced in newsletters, on the World Wide Web, or in other print media, provided that such copying, re-transmission, or other use is not for profit or other commercial purpose. Any distribution or use of this article must set forth the following credit line, in full, at the conclusion of the article: “© 2005 Peacemaker® Ministries, Reprinted with permission.” Peacemaker Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time.


So anyone game? I have asked 2 friends I’m in a bible study with if they would like to do this, we shall see what happens……


4 responses »

  1. Ken is wrong.

    It has been my experience “Christian” friends are more than willing–in active and passive ways–to tell others their faults.

    This leads to a good deal of false guilt and shame.

    The premise here is that the Holy Spirit is not sufficient to convict us. If He is, then I will either accept his correction or I will not–and if I am not submitted to the Holy Spirit, it doesn’t matter one bit whether I submit to others.

    I would rather see Ken talk about asking others what’s RIGHT with us. This, to me, seems a much more rare commodity.

    What a terrible way to “mentor” someone. Geez.

  2. It is an odd dichotomy I’ve noticed in my church: those who are close with each other are shy to point out fault, yet many willingly point out the faults of those who are less known (which is really useless)

    This is a good article, I’m going to print it out to share with my home group. Thanks!

  3. i am game. i really think other people are afraid to tell me my faults sometimes… or maybe i just don’t have any (lol). yeah, right.
    ~~you are either very brave or…… 🙂 I don’t think I could do it. 😉 maybe the point is, how we handle the answers to the questions…..

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