Today I write:
I waver between screaming at God to take this pain away to pleading with Him to please help me thru it.
My eagerness to drink away the inevitable long reaching effects of this trial conflicts with my hesitancy to even go out in public (I always hide when things get stressful)…….
So far the hiding has won out.
I go between being so pissed that this happening to me and wanting to thank God that this is happening to me. (mind you, this is happening to more than just me, but I can only speak for me now)
Because I know its for my good. But who can see the good with the blatant ugliness bearing down on my mind, soul.
God, couldn’t You test my faith with something different? Couldn’t You just break another bone or something? Why allow for all this…….
Sin is ugly, a loss of innocence, a big black mark on the heart that will never wash off.
There is such a difference between one’s own sin and a sin of a loved one. I can blame myself when I sin, I can have ownership of it, I can know what I’m thinking and how I’m gonna fix it. I can control it (oh, I’m fooling myself; God owns it, controls it and knows what I’m thinking)
But when someone else sins, someone you love, you can’t control it, them or the situation, you can’t fix it, you can only watch the ripple spread and fan out. Hitting everyone and watching them topple.
But in all this God is the one in control, He told me there would be trouble, there would be pain, there would be persecution (righteous and unrighteous) He also told me, He would take care of me, He would help me thru it, He would do all this for my good and His glory.
Faith. in Him, in His promises-its all I have to cling to.
I wrote 2 days ago:
Faith is like a broken bone. Once it heals up it is stronger than before. But it has to be broken to be stronger.
My faith is weak. God has not tested my faith very often. My faith is being tested now.
I realize to be a more mature person and Christan, I’m to be tested, how else do we grow?
My hopes and dreams are being shattered around me. I have nothing to lean on but my faith. Faith in my God, faith that He is working all this pain out for His good.
I’m in misery for things I cannot control. I have to believe He is in control of my life. In control of my misery, my ache, my overshadowing sadness in lost innocence.
I wrote this 6 days ago:
16“And now my soul is poured out within me;
Days of affliction have seized me.
17“At night it pierces my bones within me,
And my gnawing pains take no rest.
18“By a great force my garment is distorted;
It binds me about as the collar of my coat.
19“He has cast me into the mire,
And I have become like dust and ashes.
27“I am seething within and cannot relax;
Days of affliction confront me.
28“I go about mourning without comfort;
I stand up in the assembly and cry out for help.
From Job 30
This is the way I’m feeling now. I looked up the stages of grief to see where I was at:
Five Stages Of Grief
- Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she’s dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?”
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
I just wanted to show you the stages of grief; I can say that grief happens much more than just at death.
Grief happens when life changing events occur in one’s life. Divorce, death, church splits, bankruptcy, etc.
Our family is going thru a life changing event right now.
I am in the anger stage. With a bit of isolation thrown in. I am mad at everyone, including myself.
My problem, which has always been my problem, my sin, is anger.
Bitterness, resentment, volatile mad-as-hell syndrome.
I have stayed angry for a long time. Over many different things. Anger wears one down, it kills peace & joy and it destroys relationships.
I will skip the bargaining stage and hopefully not fall too far into the depression stage.
Pray for me……