Musings on…….Tears

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Before;

I was strong, my heart was stone, I would never let anyone hurt me.
I had let that happen once long ago and vowed to never to let it happen again.

I never let my guard down, the only time I cried was when I was drunk.
I never let anyone in. Didn’t have too many friends, they were all a hurt waiting to happen.

Selfish, selfish, selfish I was, still am.

Then I became my journey with The Lord.

Now;

My heart slowly started turning flesh again.
I let people in, I started crying at movies, scripture, things people said, stupid things, I let people get close to me, I made lots of friends, and I even got my feelings hurt by people. I tear up and make it through (with Gods help)

I would have never let that happen before.
I hate tears. It’s always been a sign of weakness to me.

Before;

It was a drunk blubbering crying over the waste of my life, death of my fathers, being a wife and mother was way too hard, self-pity really.

Now;

The tears come by way of spiritual things, I cry at baptisms/weddings/funerals, ‘Christian’ movies (Ben-Hur, End of the Spear, Nativity Story, the Passion), TV shows, Animal Planet, especially Emergency Vets and Animal Cops,  convicting sermons, etc.

The boys always looks at me intently when we are at church or watching a movie, my son especially watches me, he says ”Mom, are you crying?,

Mom, You’re crying.

Dad, mom is crying AGAIN!” And then he will run get me a tissue.

My boy has a tender heart for such things.

I pray he never allows a hurt to harden his heart against the love and mercy of God.

No more drunk tears, a crying drunk is pretty pathetic and I really don’t know how my hubby handled it.

But he did, he is superman, really.

Now;

spirit-led tears… maybe. A renewed heart, life, grace…mercy.

What made me think of writing this cleansing post was this:

I read a post last week and started crying at the sheer awesomeness of it, the overwhelming possibility that it could be true. The joy I felt that God is an All powerful mighty God who can do great things.

Here is the comment I started to write this person:

“I read your post 3 times, I told my hubby, who was home from work today, I think this really happened.
All your comments appeared genuine.
It wasn’t like I just haphazardly commented as soon as I read it.
I came back to it a few times.
My head was telling me it was a joke, my heart was saying,
God is a God of wonders, if anyone could do this, God could.
I’m mad at myself because I believed that post.
I’m mad that I made a fool out of myself in the comments, I let my guard down.
I should have just lied and said ‘yeah, I was just joking, good one’.
I’m also mad because I feel that those kinds of things, lets just say ‘things of God’ shouldn’t be joked about. But who am I, not your Holy Spirit, thats fer sure. )

But then again, who am I to get all worked up over an April Fools Joke?
Who am I to get all mad and to even tell you I was mad.
Because, hello, its not about me!!
…I went on to ask how many others thought the post was true, and to assure this person that I was not his judge nor did I think he was not a child of God. That none of us really know that about another person until we all stand before Him to plead our case, because even tho we may be His, we still have to stand before Him to justify our words and deeds here on earth. I finished with this:

I’m called to love you where you are at (in a Christian way, of course)
I’m way too serious, I guess. I need to lighten up.
So, lets just say, I’m mad at myself for falling for your great joke.
Blessings, Kristina”

I never sent that comment.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. I will NEVER go back to BEFORE.

Before the life God gave me, before He gave me back my tears.

Tears are for the cleansing of the soul, a soul reborn of God.

A soul ready to live life joyful of the new life in Christ.

Revelation 7:17 – for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.”

Rev. 21:4 – and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be {any} death; there will no longer be {any} mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

Psalms 42:1-5 – 1 As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God? 3 My tears have been my food day and night, While {they} say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

What makes you cry? Comments?

Kristina

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About Kristina

51 year old Christian lady, knitter, pet sitter/walker, bible collector, crafter, little business owner, thrill seeker (only when shopping at thrift stores for tremendous bargains) my animals servant, a child of God, saved, redeemed and trying to be joyful in a fallen world.

7 responses »

  1. Good post. Of course I never intended to trick you with my post. It was actually designed to draw in all those who have been assuming I had problems with them because I was so far from God. Those who have been waiting for my repentance so I would just see things their way—because “obviously” anyone who disagrees with them must not be saved.

    You have never been a part of that group. And I hope nothing I could ever do would cause you to put your guard up again.

    I’m happy I don’t have to plead my case. In legalese I think that’s called “standing mute.”

    What makes me cry? I’m not sure I should tell you, it might be revealing a little too much. But you’re the only Christian blogger who would likely believe it.

    I cry when I worship.

    I cry over the state of the church. Really. It’s also when I most often use “strong language.” What sometimes leaks through into my posts and comments is the smallest part of the emotion I feel.

    I cry over family. My redhead; my boys; my parents. My sister, not so much.

    But hey Kris, if it makes it any better, your willingness to be open and transparent while still putting up with my crap might just turn me around one of these days. It really has an impact.

  2. Hi Kris,
    Thanks for opening your life! I see God at work amidst your humanity regularly.
    Tears…hummm, they are still very few and far between. When I was a teenager something happened between my brother and I and I bawled like a baby….vowed never never to allow myself to look like that fool ever again..(I was not a Christian at the time)….so now I know better (over 30 yrs later,and a Christian), I’ve probably only cried 2 or 3 times tops…I’ve gotten choked up @ my grandpa’s funeral, and a time or two over concern for my kids, but there is deff. some “thawing” that could still take place….I’ve only really let loose a couple of years ago for the first time after God answered a very specfic prayer in our marriage…it was cleansing….
    Thanks also Kevin for your comments. I too have felt some of the things you alluded to for the Church…(a few years ago I was teaching an adult SS class in a Bible church and would you believe the word bullsh*t came out :-(…took both me and the class totally off guard…but I was feeling very frustrated w/ the lukewarm, lethargic, sloppy attitudes that had been festering for weeks and I lost it…sure got everyone’s attention that’s for sure….I used to have a very bad potty mouth before I became a Christian, God took 95% of it away @ my conversion…but once in a while….the old Doug still pops up from time to time…but for the grace of God…

  3. Psalm 56:8 You number my wanderings;Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?

    God bottles up every tear we cry! Even those pathetic drunk tears – oh the Lord must have bottles full of mine! 🙂 But, like you, I cry for different reasons now.

    Your softened heart towards things eternal is evidence of God’s work in your life and I am thanking Him right now for your spirit-led tears.

    God Bless!
    Scotti

    P.S. I also referenced Rev 21:4 in my recent post.

  4. When I read this, I felt as if someone had read my mail. I was the girl who lost someone dear at a young age, cried until the tears were gone and never cried again. I went through a lot of tough stuff, and in the end became an alcoholic.

    God has for the last 2 years been softening my heart, trading my heart of stone for a heart of flesh. He has developed a strong desire for intercession inside of me and of course, tears are inevitable. I am suprised at how often I will cry while praying, now.

    I cry for the state of our nation. I cry for our youth at Virginia tech. I’m not quite there, yet. i know I’m still pretty hard in some areas, and I can only handle a little softening at a time. i just pray one day, I will be as pliable as God wants me to be.

    Thank you for a heartfelt, uplifting blog.

    Rachel

  5. Rachel, thanks for stopping by and commenting.
    You are welcome for the blog, its just an outlet for my thoughts.
    Stop back by, lets talk some more…
    blessings, kristina

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