I’m an Alcoholic

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alcoholic

I have journaled or posted my past drinking ‘habits’ on this page

But my thought here is to talk about it how it affects my life now.

My husband and son are away on vacation, which leaves me here to my own devices.

I really really want to get a bottle of Vodka and just drink.

Actually, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about drinking.

{Why has God allowed me to keep this temptation in my mind? Why hasn’t He taken the taste/desire for it away from me?}

This week, God has blessed me enough to allow me to attend a lecture series in the evening so I’m not so tempted. Praise to Him!

Lets digress here,

Back in the day, the days where I was single, fancy free, hanging out, just working and wasting life I would go out each weekend and drink and have beers after work, sitting on the couch watching the boob tube.

Lets digress further:

My family is a family of alcoholics. The line goes way back. With pretty much everyone effected by it. Alcohol abuse is like a ripple in a pond, it spreads and gets bigger. You get the picture.

Ok, back to the single days; When I was single, I didn’t know I had a drinking problem, there was no man or boy to get in my way of my drinking, no one to take care of, to be sober for.

(side note, I see often when people start doing drugs or alcohol, their growth or maturity stops at the exact time they get hooked on the substance, so if they started meth at 14, then they have the mind of a 14 year old even if they are 41)

When I had my boy and then got married, I had to take care of people, I had more responsibilities, more stresses (like post-partum depression) more things in general just happen to you when you get older, people die, crap happens. Life happens.

So to drown it all, I took up drinking again fairly soon after my son was born.

I thought my life was so freakin hard and I was pretty pitiful.

I look back and know now how great I had it and how God had really took care of me during these times.

Since I do not want to get into too many details, I will just say a couple of things.

1. Depression and alcohol don’t mix. But they often go together. Especially with women. Im depressed so I drink to not be depressed, but alcohol is a depressant so I get more depressed and then drink some more to kill the pain. Very cyclic. And devastating.

2. I was very lucky/blessed. I did not die or kill anyone when I was drinking.

I DROVE THE CAR DRUNK WITH MY PRECIOUS BOY IN THE CAR!!!

(I knew I wasn’t gonna make it without crying)

What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! What the hell was I thinking?

I wasn’t. thinking. about him. about others. I was selfish.

My thought process when drinking:

I would think to myself, I will get my chores done and get the boys all taken care of, then I could drink, my reward for the day. So I would literally, after the boys went to bed, take my anti-depressants, washed down with vodka.

Then of course the next day, I would be hung over and cranky and weepy and start it all over again.

I was hell to live with. I maintained an appearance of relative normalcy to the outside world.

I held a job. Would drink after work. Toward the end I started drinking before work and would start earlier and earlier in the day.

Everyone was shocked to hear I took a weeks vacation in the mental ward of the local hospital. Story of that here.

After the best week of my life, because all I really wanted was to get better, I started my outpatient AA meetings for 6 months and prescription anti-depressants and counseling.

And God chose that moment to take me as His own.

(Crying, again)

A couple comments about AA. Its a wonderful tool to use to help with overcoming addictions.

It should be used as a stepping stone to recovery.

It should not be used as another form of addiction.

(instead of relying on alcohol to ‘fix’ your problems, you use the meetings and the people there to lament with about your life)

AA is not the only tool to use for helping overcome addictions.

There are many counselors, church recovery groups and Christian AA meetings to attend, pastors. Whatever that seems to help you, find it, stick with it, get Gods help.

But God is the key. God was central in AA in its beginnings, but has been watered down to appeal to every ones tastes in deity.

***These are my opinions only, some of you will not agree, I’m ok with that. I’m not an expert on AA or the treatment of addictions. This is my journey only***

Back to the present. I crave alcohol every day, when ever anything comes up that I want to stress about, I want a drink.

When the boys are away and I don’t have any official home engineer duties, I want to drink. To relax. To zone out for a while.

When my thinking states “I really would like a drink now”

I should be thinking (and doing)

“I really should go in my room and pray now”

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest….

Blessings, Kristina

***If you would like help with your drinking and what to know How to Live Life Eternal, please click here

Proverbs 23

29 Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has strife? Who has complaints?
Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?

30 Those who linger over wine,
who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.

31 Do not gaze at wine when it is red,
when it sparkles in the cup,
when it goes down smoothly!

32 In the end it bites like a snake
and poisons like a viper.

33 Your eyes will see strange sights
and your mind imagine confusing things.

34 You will be like one sleeping on the high seas,
lying on top of the rigging.

35 “They hit me,” you will say, “but I’m not hurt!
They beat me, but I don’t feel it!
When will I wake up
so I can find another drink?”

My son found this in the bible and printed it out for me.

By the way, my son lives in terror every day of me drinking again and gets highly irate at me if I even mention, in jest, drinking.

(My son, one of the many great reasons NOT to drink)

(crying again)

If you would like help to live life eternal, click here

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8 responses »

  1. Sorry for the temptation this week, but I want you to know the more I read what you write the more I respect you–not only as a sincere Christian, but as a person. Keep up the good work.

  2. HI,
    I was only tag surfing from my blog.
    I am a leader of a group called Celebrate Recovery at my church. It is great. If you go to their website you could see if there is one in your area. It has worked for a lot of us at my church. It started at Rick Warren’s church in California.
    God Bless,
    Christy

  3. WoW! What a story! I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, what you’re going through. I’m so glad you found Jesus though! Keep your eyes on Him!

    As you mentioned, alcoholism runs in families. I’m not sure if it’s a proven fact yet or not but I know there is something genetic that predisposes some people to addictions. My husband’s family is full of addicts – smoking, drinking, drugs, you name it. He was also an addict. God helped him put that part of his life behind him and I’m so thankful for that. We have talked with both of our kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and how they should avoid both. We have told them that they have a very high chance of becoming addicted if they ever try it even once. We don’t say this to scare them away from it but because it’s reality for them. They know what their daddy used to be like. They know that their grandpa died before they were born because of choices he made, they’ve seen their grandma sick many times because of smoking. They know what these addictions can do to them and I pray they will never pick any of it up.

    I was almost crying reading what you wrote. I would have been if I would have actually seen your tears and not just read that you were crying. (I’m a big crybaby 🙂 ) Please make sure that you are teaching your son the dangers of addiction. Not just the fear of YOU drinking but of what could happen if HE chooses to drink. Many children of alcoholics/addicts grow up to become one themselves.

    Thanks for sharing this amazing post. I pray that God will bless you tremendously for what you have overcome in your life. I pray that He will remove that desire for alcohol from you COMPLETELY and that you will never want to take a drink again.

    God bless you!!

  4. We all have hidden faultlines and you have bravely confessed yours here. I used to have a similar problem with drinking but the Lord has healed me completely of my desire to drink. I am praying that He will bring this same healing to you now. I understand that if He does not, He has a greater purpose to grow your faith in Him by continually overcoming this sometimes irresistable temptation. There are other temptations in my life that the Lord has not removed and I struggle with every day. Sometimes I ask the Lord why He chose to take away my desire to drink but did not do the same in these other areas of my old life. I don’t know the answer, but I trust that He knows what He is doing.

    This is the lie of the enemy; “I really really want to get a bottle of Vodka and just drink.” Unfortunately, satan knows how to use personal pronouns and place those ugly, deceptive thoughts into our mind. The only thing that seems to work against these lies, is the Word of God. The crystal clear truth of His Word. Like you said so wisely, ‘God is the Key’. He will always show us the way out of temptation. Praise His Holy Name!

    I am reading this great book right now called “Having a Mary Spirit” by Joanna Weaver. Have you heard of it? There is a segment from her book which has helped me turn to the Lord when deceptive thoughts come into my mind. It says; “Merely trying to stop the tempting and deceiving thoughts by rebuking them won’t work. If we attempt to win the war for our minds that way we would be doing nothing but rebuking thoughts every waking moment for the rest of our lives. It would be like telling a man in the middle of a lake to keep 12 corks submerged by hitting them with a small hammer. He would spend his entire life treading water and bopping down corks. What should he do? He should ignore the stupid corks and swim to shore. We are not called to dispel darkness. We are called to turn on the light. We overcome the father of lies by choosing the Truth.”

    The truth is that we have been bought by the precious blood of Christ, we have been made a new creature, we can put on the mind of Christ, we can call upon the Lord in times of need and He will respond. We have to be aware of when those tremors will come that threaten our hidden fault lines (like when we are alone) and make other plans to be prepared for the battle, to be armed with the Word of God, to ask for others to pray for us during these times.

    I am sorry this is such a long comment. My heart goes out to you because I know how difficult it is to suffer addiction. Thank you for being such a faithful and sincere witness for Christ.

    May the grace and peace of the Lord Jesus be with you always.

    Scotti

  5. thank you for your comments. 🙂
    My son does know the dangers of drinking, because he has seen other members of our families with the same problem, im hoping and praying he will not fall under its spell.
    right now in his life he says he will never drink, but at 14 the pressures of drinking in his private baptist school has not come full force, but they will, when he gets out in the world.
    My boys are home and home engineering is back at full force and altho my stressors go up with the them home, my reasons to not drink (my accountability) go up also.
    God Bless, kristina

  6. Bless you.

    This entry suspended me into tears. I, too, am an alcoholic. Like you, i often implore God (or whatever Divine source) why I ever became the poor sod to be afflicted with this condition. It’s bigger than me, my will, and I need help.

  7. seek first the kingdom of God all his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. All these things not just blessings just as far as money an a husband or wife go,

    but preception,

    a sound mind understanding why you’re going through what you are,

    why did different things happen to me,

    what do I need to do to move forward in God.

    remember his spirit leads into all truth ………all truth, seek the lord first and all his righteousness and it will all come to you every answer, and what to do next.

    IF YOU REGARD INIQUITY IN YOUR HEART THE LORD WILL NOT HEAR YOU TOWARDS ANYONE EVEN YOURSELF.
    ~~Thank you, Marques, for the comment. Blessings Brother.

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