Daily Archives: March 28, 2007

I’m an Alcoholic

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I have journaled or posted my past drinking ‘habits’ on this page

But my thought here is to talk about it how it affects my life now.

My husband and son are away on vacation, which leaves me here to my own devices.

I really really want to get a bottle of Vodka and just drink.

Actually, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about drinking.

{Why has God allowed me to keep this temptation in my mind? Why hasn’t He taken the taste/desire for it away from me?}

This week, God has blessed me enough to allow me to attend a lecture series in the evening so I’m not so tempted. Praise to Him!

Lets digress here,

Back in the day, the days where I was single, fancy free, hanging out, just working and wasting life I would go out each weekend and drink and have beers after work, sitting on the couch watching the boob tube.

Lets digress further:

My family is a family of alcoholics. The line goes way back. With pretty much everyone effected by it. Alcohol abuse is like a ripple in a pond, it spreads and gets bigger. You get the picture.

 

Ok, back to the single days; When I was single, I didn’t know I had a drinking problem, there was no man or boy to get in my way of my drinking, no one to take care of, to be sober for.

(side note, I see often when people start doing drugs or alcohol, their growth or maturity stops at the exact time they get hooked on the substance, so if they started meth at 14, then they have the mind of a 14 year old even if they are 41)

When I had my boy and then got married, I had to take care of people, I had more responsibilities, more stresses (like post-partum depression) more things in general just happen to you when you get older, people die, crap happens. Life happens.

So to drown it all, I took up drinking again fairly soon after my son was born.

I thought my life was so freakin hard and I was pretty pitiful.

I look back and know now how great I had it and how God had really took care of me during these times.

Since I do not want to get into too many details, I will just say a couple of things.

1. Depression and alcohol don’t mix. But they often go together. Especially with women. Im depressed so I drink to not be depressed, but alcohol is a depressant so I get more depressed and then drink some more to kill the pain. Very cyclic. And devastating.

2. I was very lucky/blessed. I did not die or kill anyone when I was drinking.

I DROVE THE CAR DRUNK WITH MY PRECIOUS BOY IN THE CAR!!!

(I knew I wasn’t gonna make it without crying)

What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! What the hell was I thinking?

I wasn’t. thinking. about him. about others. I was selfish.

My thought process when drinking:

I would think to myself, I will get my chores done and get the boys all taken care of, then I could drink, my reward for the day. So I would literally, after the boys went to bed, take my anti-depressants, washed down with vodka.

Then of course the next day, I would be hung over and cranky and weepy and start it all over again.

I was hell to live with. I maintained an appearance of relative normalcy to the outside world.

I held a job. Would drink after work. Toward the end I started drinking before work and would start earlier and earlier in the day.

Everyone was shocked to hear I took a weeks vacation in the mental ward of the local hospital. Story of that here.

After the best week of my life, because all I really wanted was to get better, I started my outpatient AA meetings for 6 months and prescription anti-depressants and counseling.

And God chose that moment to take me as His own.

(Crying, again)

A couple comments about AA. Its a wonderful tool to use to help with overcoming addictions.

It should be used as a stepping stone to recovery.

It should not be used as another form of addiction.

(instead of relying on alcohol to ‘fix’ your problems, you use the meetings and the people there to lament with about your life)

AA is not the only tool to use for helping overcome addictions.

There are many counselors, church recovery groups and Christian AA meetings to attend, pastors. Whatever that seems to help you, find it, stick with it, get Gods help.

But God is the key. God was central in AA in its beginnings, but has been watered down to appeal to every ones tastes in deity.

***These are my opinions only, some of you will not agree, I’m ok with that. I’m not an expert on AA or the treatment of addictions. This is my journey only***

Back to the present. I crave alcohol every day, when ever anything comes up that I want to stress about, I want a drink.

When the boys are away and I don’t have any official home engineer duties, I want to drink. To relax. To zone out for a while.

When my thinking states “I really would like a drink now”

I should be thinking (and doing)

“I really should go in my room and pray now”

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest….

Blessings, Kristina

***If you would like help with your drinking and what to know How to Live Life Eternal, please click here

Proverbs 23

29 Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has strife? Who has complaints?
Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?

30 Those who linger over wine,
who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.

31 Do not gaze at wine when it is red,
when it sparkles in the cup,
when it goes down smoothly!

32 In the end it bites like a snake
and poisons like a viper.

33 Your eyes will see strange sights
and your mind imagine confusing things.

34 You will be like one sleeping on the high seas,
lying on top of the rigging.

35 “They hit me,” you will say, “but I’m not hurt!
They beat me, but I don’t feel it!
When will I wake up
so I can find another drink?”

My son found this in the bible and printed it out for me.

By the way, my son lives in terror every day of me drinking again and gets highly irate at me if I even mention, in jest, drinking.

(My son, one of the many great reasons NOT to drink)

(crying again)

If you would like help to live life eternal, click here

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